TGIF :: To Savor in Commitment

#52 || Leaning into The Eight Awarenesses this week

Apr 12, 2024

This is my 52nd weekly Substack, which tells me we’ve been connecting here for a year! Thank you for journeying with me and supporting my work. I learn so much from you. ♡

Outbound

I spent a lot of time talking about ClearLife, The Eight Awarenesses, and dimmers this week. This work—my invitation to explore and evolve through our relationship with escapist habits—is maturing into its next stage of offering and impact. 🎋

The energy I have been expending make sure my descriptions and expressions are authentic, useful, and clear is coming from the deepest well in me, the most pure and potent center of my being, reserves that are saved for life moments that are rare and future-defining. All of this describing, exploring, connecting, and inquiring in various meetings feels easy and draining at once. I know this means it’s right. Right now. I also feel ready, equipped, a bit like a warrior princess after decades of training. Cheesy, I know, but true.

Birthing

I dare say that some of the sensations I’ve experienced throughout this process are reminiscent of giving birth. We have high hopes for great outcomes, but we’re also a bit nervous. The process is invigorating, yet also painful at times. We know countless other people have done this before us, yet we feel like the first person to ever take on such a thing. We keep going. We move through. We trust. We breathe.

We walk through the fire because after so many ~~months~~ years of preparation for this moment, there is no other option—and we want to. So we step forward. One foot in front of the other. We keep going.

Savoring

I lay down on my office floor at one point during a break in the action on Wednesday, spread my limbs and fingers out on the long-since vacuumed floor. I stared at the cheap overhead chandelier (I don’t think I’ve ever turned it on, I’m a low-to-the-ground light person) and tuned in. I saw myself from above, for a moment, and extended a bit of Universal love back down to myself. I can. You can. We can. Breathe in. Breathe out. There’s tension and exhale at once. Somehow all week.

And I remind myself to savor it all. This takes me back to how I sipped on a cappuccino during my cancer treatments last year: Slowly, noticing, appreciating the details of scent, temperature, and taste. Can we do this every day? Can we appreciate this exact moment for what it is, right now? There are no practices in this week’s TGIF. This is the practice.

Commitment

Hiking with a wise friend through the hills over Sausalito last week, she referenced “the four stages of life,” a way to understand how we spend our energy at different phases of human being. She shared with moving delicacy and clarity how she’s experiencing her own Legacy stage.

Inspired to learn more, I’ve since done some research. There are many versions of this notion, including the ancient Hindu Āśrama System, but she was speaking to a more modern, westernized version, surely influenced by Carl Jung. It goes something like this:

MIMICRY: as we are born helpless. Jung called this the “Athlete” stage of meeting basic needs and relative self-absorption. Childhood.
SELF-DISCOVERY: differentiation and learning to fit in with the people and world around us. Jung’s “Warrior” stage of achievement when we discover our limits. Typically adolescence through our mid-30s.
COMMITMENT: focusing on our purpose, doubling down on how we want to spend our time (career, relationships, offerings). Jung notes that this “Statement” stage is when “self centeredness starts to dissolve and a life of service beckons.” Usually sometime in our mid-30s until “retirement” though a lot of folks, including me, are starting this part later, after the more intense working + parenting years.
LEGACY: making sure that what we’ve developed lives on beyond us. Jung notes this as “The Spirit,” a time when we realize our true self as beyond what we’ve made our done. Our final years.1

I’ve been thinking about this ever since, how my recent efforts fit into the framework: an almost fifty year old mom of teenaged sons, embracing a soul-driven career shift, deeply committed to my most treasured people and purposes. The word is right there. It’s commitment. Of course… and of course it’s intense. 🔥

Tight

This is all to say that being in commitment, being in purpose—even when aligned and intentional—isn’t necessarily easy. Days end with an awareness of a tight jaw and shoulders, stiff hips, and a mind awash with faces, conversations, and reflections. The physical sensations remind me of the stress of being a tech exec, but this feels deeper and more manageable somehow. I am here because I carefully crafted and placed each and every stepping stone that led me to this moment. Truth be told, the underlying feelings are elated, humbled, and open.

So I savor it. Let it in. Notice the sensations. Be.

Dimmers

Eager to transition from full days into easeful evenings, I observed myself inclined to smoke some of a joint, for “intentional fun” at one point. I quickly decided against it because when I took a moment to explore my why, I could see it was, well, for some relief. I really don’t do that, at least that way, anymore. Hand on heart.

One morning this week, left with a little extra time before the meetings started, I had a desire to do something surprising and nice for my kids, overseas with their dad for the week. I soon noticed that the inclination had an escapist tone to it, deep inside. It was an impulse for a quick feel-good moment. Sometimes these acts of generosity are dimmers disguised as offerings. So, I felt the feeling (anxiousness), and eventually let the inclination pass. I’ll do these things from a different place soon enough.

I’ve indulged in a couple of fancy coffee drinks and chocolate during the days and made sure I’ve had a chance to exercise in the evenings. These feel good, in a way. Like self-love that is intentional and kind. With the kids away, we’ve taken advantage of the opportunity to go to sleep (very) early. Sure, these softball choices don’t wipe away discomfort like a couple strong drinks once did, but the more gentle listening and self-soothing is more durable, and of course aligned.

The Eight Awarenesses Alive

This all reminds me that I too am deep in The Eight Awarenesses work. There is no neat bow on top of this package. Yes, I stepped away from alcohol years ago, but there are other temptations, other dimmers at my fingertips, including nice things, like physical activity and Costa Rican cacao. I play in the exploration of these tendencies: What is my why? What am I trying to not feel? And self-grace, let’s all please not be too hard on ourselves, we are human after all.

Scanning them… Clear, Choice, Intuition, Trauma…. Forgiveness, No Judgment, Time, and then Service. What speaks to me this week are the final two: Time and Service. This work I am doing is that. An intentional offering. A soul-led gift. An invitation. It pours forth from me like an offering from my own sacred well. As dear as it is too, I need to just trust myself throughout. Savor and rest.

Grateful

…and as if there was any question the Universe is on my side, mid-week, in the heat of it all, an email came in with this:

Lastly, in support of your work and clear life experiences, I want to share my short journey since being with the zoom Sangha [last year]. At that time, I did not drink often – once a week a glass of wine at most – but I could feel the pull for a glass of wine to dim, dull, ease the pain during challenging days. I have not had a class of wine since [details removed for privacy]. While the world and more feel even more unbearable at times, the desire for a glass of wine has faded. That part of me bowed to something else – choices that are unfolding and yet to be revealed. Water continues to be my favorite beverage.
Some stories of clear life are not dramatic, yet they are profound. Clear life for me (and I believe you too) is in every quark of our precious human life. Beginning with alcohol is a worthy start for some and addition for others.
Thank you for bushwhacking the way. I, and my alcoholic ancestors, are grateful.

Breathe.

Onward.

Be well. ❤️‍🩹