TGIF :: The Contagion of Opting Out
#61 || And a few things it took me a long time to figure out about social relations between those who drink and those who don't.
It’s 4:49 a.m., and I’m perched on a wooden stool at the concrete kitchen countertop in our Costa Rica rental. After a week+ with extended family, including six “kids” under 22, we’re all feeling a mix of never wanting to leave and looking forward to going home.
I went a full seven days without even opening this laptop, so my eyes are adjusting to a screen and the sense of a deadline.
“You are dedicated,” my beloved whispered to me twenty minutes ago as I unwrapped myself from him after one sacred snooze.
I write this ClearLife TGIF (sometimes at 4 a.m.) because I am deeply passionate about the ripple effect of opting out of alcohol, or any dimmer that takes us away from presence in a regrettable way. It’s been seven years since my last drink, yet the layers of this experience of “living clear” continue to unfold.
I often explore the intricacies of this journey in these weekly newsletters. You can learn more about this passion and its various expressions here. Thank you so much for your feedback and engagement with my work!
First, Embarrassed to Not Drink
In my first 30 days alcohol free, I preoccupied with that others around me might think (assume?) about my decision.
The most common response was, “Oh, I didn’t know you had a problem.”
A problem? I wasn’t going into a rehabilitation program, self-identifying as an alcoholic or addict, or even committing to sobriety. I made a choice to stop drinking alcohol—for a month. I wanted to clear my head while navigating a rough patch in my marriage and in my career. I knew alcohol was dimming my mind, my health, and my overall vitality.
This prevailing “problem” response informed my discomfort around my choices. In our society, the cultural narrative about escapist, addictive behaviors says it’s fine to keep using until there is a problem. Ironically, this eliminates our ability to make changes before the behavior becomes pervasive, more difficult to shift, perhaps even falls into the grips of addiction.
So, I played along, often concealing my choices, not wanting to face the scrutiny or judgment of others.
I sat with a full wine glass in front of me at social dinners.
I discretely ordered a soda with lime at the bar, to make it look like I was drinking along with the crowd.
I attended the school fundraisers and feigned drinking along with everyone else, then left early, just before things got too rowdy.
But gradually, things changed.
A 180
If you’ve been following along, you know that the 30 day experiment extended to 60, then 90 days, leading me into a full year alcohol free (2018). I haven’t gone back.
Four years into this journey, in early 2022, I had an experience that amplified how far I’d come in my relationship with alcohol.
I was seated at a table set for twelve in a private dining room of a restaurant near the venue of a large conference, Wisdom 2.0, that my partner Soren hosts. We were among the first to arrive for an intimate dinner among some of his esteemed guest speakers. By the time my mocktail was delivered by our waitperson, most of the other guests had arrived, having not heard my order, an alcohol-free mocktail, not a cocktail. The drink looked like a real alcoholic drink–tall glass, a sprig of mint, a rim dusted with spiced sugar. I found myself struck with horror that the other guests might think I was drinking alcohol. Even more exciting, noticing my mind’s reaction to these circumstances. What a difference from just four years earlier when I was consumed with the opposite, afraid of being noticed for not drinking.
So, What Had Changed?
Me. I had enough information at that point to not feel shaky about my decision to opt out. I was ready to weather any judgment or scrutiny.
Our culture. It is increasingly socially acceptable—maybe even socially encouraged in some circles—to drink less or not at all. And the oh-so-influential celebrities are starting to speak up about the merits of opting out too.
“I was so concerned [with] what you thought of me, how I was coming across, how I would survive the day,” he confessed. “I always felt like an outsider. I realized I wasn’t going to live up to my potential, and that scared the hell out of me.” —Bradley Cooper
“Sober everything is all over my feeds now, Mom. It’s becoming cool to not drink.” Yes, heard in our kitchen last week. It’s true, the younger folks are drinking less. Newsweek is even going to far as to say “Gen Z is Abandoning Alcohol.”
A Buddhist View
On the other end of the spectrum, the great Buddhist leader and teacher Thich Nhat Hanh speaks to the interconnectedness among us. Choices we make for ourselves impact others, often in invisible ways.
“If you abandon your two glasses of wine, it is to show your children, your friends, and your society that your life is not only for yourself. Your life is for your ancestors, future generations, and also your society.
To stop drinking two glasses of wine every week is a very deep practice, even if it has not brought you any harm. That is the insight of a bodhisattva who knows that everything she does is done for all her ancestors and future generations...
In modern life, people think that their body belongs to them and they can do anything they want to it... This is one of the manifestations of individualism. But, according to the teaching of emptiness, your body is not yours. Your body belongs to your ancestors, your parents, and future generations. It also belongs to society and to all other living beings. All of them have come together to bring about the presence of this body—the trees, clouds, everything. Keeping your body healthy is to express gratitude to the whole cosmos, to all ancestors, and also not to betray the future generations...”
― Thich Nhat Hanh
Some distance from our regular routines this week has given me a chance to reflect on the experience of opting out. How has it changed my life? What’s different? Is it worth it? So today I leave you with these insights, each of which would have been very helpful to me those years ago as I was trying to find my own way:
Things I Wish I Knew About The Social Component of Opting Out
Most People Don’t Care. I used to spend almost as much time as I once spent trying to moderate (Should I drink? How much? When?—also known as The Challenge of Moderation) worrying about what people thought of my choice to opt out (Will it make others uncomfortable? Why do people assume I had a problem? Will I be excluded from certain events if I don’t drink?). Then I discovered for myself what my dear Aunt Judy had told me from the start: No one gives a damn (or at least most people don’t). So, do you (captured in detail in The Sixth Awareness) and carry on. ⚡️
Some People Are Relieved When We Opt Out…. because then they can more comfortably too. If you’re on this journey already, you know what I’m talking about. If not, know that there is almost always at least one other person in a group who is feeling pressure to drink and appreciates it when we choose something without alcohol. Consider yourself doing something gracious and kind for others, rather than disruptive or anti-social. 🧐
It’s Contagious. I can’t count the number of people in my life who have come to me over the years to let me know that they are drinking less (or not at all) because they saw me do this and thought they’d give it a try. People I’ve worked with. People I know socially. Parents of my kids friends. Former colleagues. Family members. Acquaintances. I get to hear or read these messages almost weekly these days. I love hearing your versions of this experiment, whether temporary or long term. I had no idea that this would be a side effect of my choices. 💖
Signing Off
I’d love to hear what resonates with you here. What has your experience been like? Do you see the shifts I do? What has been supportive of you or others treading this path? Are you seeing a contagion too?
Be well.
Love. ❤️
Miscellaneous…
Reader-free… It turns out a great way to curb screen time for us “mature” folks is to not carry readers around. I’ve found that I am far less inclined to look at my phone during this week “off” unless I really, really want to try to read something without my glasses within reach. 🌿
Sangha Saturdays… Bereavement travel + kid care mean there will be no in person Sangha Saturday in July. I moved the Zoom version to July 20th at 9am PT. Please indicate your interest via the form link here and you’ll be added to the invitation(s). These gatherings are increasingly magical. Thank you for joining us! ☀︎
Any topics you want covered? I’d love to hear your requests here in a TGIF or on Season 2 of the Undimmed podcast. You can message me via Substack, my website, or even leave a voice message via this handy Google Voice number: (415) 326-6059. 🌻