TGIF :: Awareness #6 (of 8): Do You.
#16 || On the beauty of treading our path and letting others tread theirs.
My Child-Mirror (Argh)
“If I were ever elected president of the United States, the first thing I’d do would be to make cigarettes illegal!”
I glanced over to see my nine-year old son’s furrowed brow as we drove through town. We’d just passed man smoking a cigarette on the corner, a rare sight in our health-conscious Northern California community.
He passionately elaborated, explaining how “gross” and “unhealthy” cigarettes are, so naturally, someone should declare them illegal. Oh man, I thought to myself… I’ve got some work to do, recognizing the role I likely played in his belief that if something is unhealthy someone should outlaw it. Am I like this? Is he getting this from me?
Hence, The Sixth Awareness
Looking back, it’s hard to admit it, but yes, Tenzin most likely picked up that tendency to judge others’ choices from me. Still wobbly on my new ClearLife journey path, I’d been open in our family about how grateful I was to not drink anymore, my puzzlement around boozy kid events, and how important it is for them to not get in a car with a driver who’d been drinking. I still have (and share) these feelings, but after some uncomfortable self-review, my primary tone has shifted from divisive to inclusive, closed to open, judgmental to curious, and imposing to allowing.
To judge: to express a bad opinion of someone's behavior, often because you think you are better than them. —The Cambridge Dictionary
This shift, one that started that day in the car with Tenzin, sparked The Sixth Awareness: I do not judge or impose my orientations upon others. It can be tempting—or even reflexive—to have a strong opinion of others’ choices. The goal is to fully embrace and embody our own growth without imposing our experience or perspective upon those around us.
The choices we make about what we do or consume are our own—and for reasons that may not apply to others around us. Our opportunity is to deeply know and embody this, creating ample space for others to make their own choices free of our judgment.
“But I want you to join me!”
When we make shifts in our lives and get to appreciate the rewards, it’s common to want others we care about to do the same, whether that be changes to diet, social media use, exercise, or opting out of addictive dimming habits.
It’s human nature to seek community, connection, and relatability along the lines of “Join me, this is amazing!” Yet, anyone who has navigated a ClearLife journey knows that the path to change is deeply personal, on our own timeline, for our own reasons, and extremely unlikely to be influenced by anyone trying to talk us in or out of it. The decision to change comes from within. Yet somehow we tend to forget this when we ourselves make a change. The desire to share in the positive experience can overcome us, making us want to steer others onto our path—regardless of whether they are ready, interested, or inclined.
I had to painfully screw this one up a few times before I got it—first as a teen daughter, later as a concerned wife, and even later as a disciplining mother. Each time I imposed my judgment on a loved one (they’d be better off if they broke that habit) then tried to convince them to change, I failed. Even worse, in each case the loved one maintained their pattern, but now with defiance, concealment, or worse—outright lying to avoid dealing with me, damaging our relationship. I finally learned that there are many ways to love people and stay connected and supportive, regardless of whether they agree with us on various lifestyle choices. Their path is their own to craft in their own beautiful and bespoke way.
It’s a two way road.
I shudder thinking about my own judgmental tendencies in my early months of ClearLife. I’d notice empty booze bottles in friends’ recycling containers and foolishly make assumptions about things that are none of my business.
Around the same time, I was sensitive to judgment by friends and family responding to my choice to not drink with “Oh, I didn’t realize you had a problem” (judgment: I was an addict) or “Are you still on that no-drinking thing?” (judgment: this is a phase and I’ll drink with them again someday). I was as frustrated by these comments as I am guessing any friends or family may have been sensing my own assumptions about their choices.
In attuning to these tendencies that exist in varying degrees in all of us, we have the opportunity to get curious and reframe our reactions with compassion and an open mind and heart.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” — Carl Jung
For example, when a family member told me recently “Your not drinking thing has been hard on us” my immediate internal reaction was Wow, so sorry my choices to live a healthier life have been hard on you. Later I was able to be a bit more compassionate and hear the truth beneath the statement—they simply liked drinking with me, back in the day, and my choosing sparkling water for the last six+ years has made them uncomfortable. There is an opportunity for both of us in this exchange to get curious and instead of jabbing back, observe our irritation and learn from it.
“Like a meditation bell.”
I don’t talk about my choices to not drink unless asked …anymore. There was a time when I was at least as annoying as every other newly “sober” person and couldn’t stop talking about this newly discovered superpower. Blech.
Several years ago, early in my ClearLife experiment, I joined a boozy weekend at a summer lake house among family friends. I was the only one to opt out of cocktails and beer throughout—and did my best to be subtle, discreet about it. As we were saying goodbye, one of the hosts remarked:
“Your choice to not drink is like a meditation bell. It makes others around you pause, reflect for a moment on their own decisions, habits. It’s not a loud statement, and you’re not telling anyone what to do. But your simple choice to not drink invites some self-awareness, self-reflection. It makes people think.”
When I heard this I felt enormous relief, joy even. I’d been battling concerns that my choices were bothersome, that people viewed me as irritating, condescending, or no longer fun. This was a fresh and new perspective that resonated. This experience helped to further inform The Sixth Awareness. Our opportunity is to live life in a way that feels authentic, aligned, and true for us without imposing our preferences on others …and with that, we may have more of a positive impact than any words might.
Embody, Emanate
I still slip into judgment from time to time, primarily for short-term self-defense reasons, but my prevailing orientation these days is just to live my life and let others live theirs. I am here if and when people want to connect on their own ClearLife experiences, but it’s is not my job—and never will be—to tell anyone what to do.
The best way to navigate my own ClearLife journey among all kinds of people is to unapologetically be me and let others be themselves. I don’t order a glass of wine and let it sit there through dinner to make others more comfortable anymore. I haven’t forced myself to attend alcohol-centric events to “fit in” for years. Similarly, I don’t have an issue with others around me choosing to drink alcohol when I don’t (most friends and family do, and in ways that appear healthy and positive for them). Yes, it’s taken a bit of work to get here—authenticity doesn’t always come easily—but living our choices without judgment feels… lighter.
Practices to heighten awareness around judgment
It is natural to have some judgmental tendencies. Forming opinions about someone or something based on facts and feelings is part of our innate survival mechanism—it’s how we identify safety and danger. But how can we deepen our awareness around potential shadow tendencies in our relations to others, especially as we are changing? Here are some practices that I have seen work for others and me:
Greet judgment as a guide. When we catch ourselves comparing ourselves to others or feeling “better than” someone, it is an opportunity to recognize an unhealed part of ourselves. This is a clue that tells us more about our own strengths and weaknesses than the other person. Try to notice when this happens. Pause and assess the why behind the feeling. Are we insecure or uncertain about something? Is the judgment a way to affirm a decision we still feel shaky about? Are we posturing to boost our own self-esteem? Simply notice.
Nurture empathy by reflecting on being judged yourself. We’ve all felt the sting of judgment at some point for our choices around diet, career, home, relationship, parenting style, clothing choices—you name it. Remember one of these times in as much detail as possible. Did you feel misunderstood? Did the judging person know anything about the underlying circumstances? In recalling how it feels to be judged, we can be less inclined to judge ourselves, be more empathetic.
Get curious: When starting to position ourselves as different, separate, or superior, it is an opportunity to get curious, inquire, and ask questions. This is not just spoken, but felt. Genuine curiosity is sensed by others, not heard. Start with the authentic experience of being curious, not opinionated, and go from there. Notice of this shifts anything in the dynamic with the other immediately or over time.
Let them eat… candy.
Back to that conversation with Tenzin about cigarettes, I realized that day that I had a lot of work to do on myself—and as a mom. Wanting to help him see things from a broader perspective, I asked him, “You like candy, don’t you?”
He said he did.
“What if someone outlawed candy, how would you feel?” I asked.
He agreed it would not feel good to him, even though eating lots of candy can be unhealthy too. I let him know that even though some people find candy “gross” and “unhealthy,” we wouldn’t want candy to be illegal, right?
He responded with “Is that why alcohol isn’t illegal, Mom, because people get to choose?” The rest of the exchange went like this:
“It sure is. And everybody’s different. Some people drink a modest amount their whole life and never have any issue with it. Your great-great grandmother had a single martini almost every day and died still happy and strong at 108 years old. But for other people, drinking doesn’t work. . . Just remember that people do different things for different reasons. Most people in our lives drink some, if not a lot. It doesn’t make them bad people or the non-drinkers good people. We’re all free to make our own choices.”
“Like me with candy. I get it, Mom.”
“Yes, like you with candy, honey.”
Onward, with grace
When we discover a key to positive transformation, we naturally want to share our experiences with others. Yet, there is beauty in allowing others to craft their own path, trusting that we are all living in the way that is best for us each day. This looks and feels like grace. The Sixth Awareness reminds us that simple embodiment of our own choices, our version of one foot in front of the other—every single day—can itself be an offering, an invitation, a gentle meditation bell.
Miscellaneous…
This week… Our team announced the close of Wisdom Ventures Fund I, a $10M inaugural fund dedicated to investing in startups promoting mindfulness, compassion, well-being, and human connection. It was my own work with The Eight Awarenesses that supported the conditions to bring this to life. Hand on heart. ❤️
Noticing… A wave of sentimental awe in scrolling through pictures to find a few for this newsletter. Time with loved ones does go fast, especially children. If you need one more reason to explore a ClearLife journey, making sure we are fully present for the moments, big and small, might be good enough.
And….thank you for reading, and reaching out, and sharing your experiences, and encouraging me on this path… and for those of you pledging to support my work(!). It means the universe to me. 🙏🏼
This is my favorite one yet ❤️
Way to go, Cecily. I think this speaks volumes to people on many different journeys.