TGIF :: The Anatomy of A Decision
#71 || Are we considering or rationalizing?
decision, de·ci·sion, /dəˈsiZH(ə)n/, noun; conclusion or resolution reached after consideration.
“I’ll make the decision on my own.”
A defining characteristic of ClearLife is a focus on choice, agency, and freedom. The invitation is to explore our relationships with various dimmers (anything from alcohol to social media, escapist eating to excessive work) with curiosity: What am I trying to feel less and why?
This approach does not include themes of diagnosis, failure, or surrender more prevalent in various addiction and recovery circles. In fact, I don’t use “addiction” or “recovery” in exploring what it means to “undim.” This is intentional. No judgment here, it’s just different. ClearLife tends to attract people in a phase of life when we are exploring certain choices, decisions, changes. They’re optional, coming from the inside, deeply personal, and often private.1
These usually start with a hunch, an internal conversation that sounds something like “Maybe I should….” or “How would life be different if I…” or “I wonder of I could…”
Is there such a thing as a spontaneous decision?
My choice to pause drinking for a month in 2017 felt impulsive. I was at Burning Man and though my life looked fantastic from the outside, it was unraveling both at home and in my heart. I made the decision to take a break mere hours before this photo was taken. A friend had convinced me that 30 days “clear” couldn’t hurt as I prepared to navigate the choppy waters ahead—starting with initiating a divorce.
As I speak with people considering changes in their lives, I’m reminded of this time, this choice. I recall that moment with curiosity and a bit of skepticism. How spontaneous was that decision, really?
Truth be told, I’d been privately considering my habits for years—at least since losing my mom in 2011, but since probably even earlier. I’d experimented with all kinds of moderation—dry weeknights, wine only, mandatory water between drinks, weeks off, and so on. Each private exploration was a baby step towards a more definitive choice. Yet, I think I’d known my life would be better without alcohol for years. It’s likely the decision was made well before this day.
What are we waiting for?
I had the good fortune of breaking bread with a deeply wise historian last night. Also at the table: a tech CEO, a movement founder, a meditation teacher, and an author. As often happens these days (thank you, Universe), the conversation briefly turned to what I’d been contemplating in anticipation of this post all day: decisions.
“Decisions aren’t really made the way we think they are,” the historian said. He went on to explain that most of the time, “we’re just extending reflection on our options but the decision has been made.” (I am paraphrasing, but you get the idea.)
Juicy!
In the hours since then, I’ve been privately reflecting on the significant decisions in my own life, including a few I’m contemplating right now. I have to agree—he’s right. Often, I make decisions long before I consciously acknowledge them, whether by speaking to or acting on them.
I see the same in dear ones around me. It’s true: We’re frequently already moving in a chosen direction, simply caught in an extended phase of rationalization. And… it’s up to us to shorten that gap, if we choose to.
Timing IS everything
I started this week’s TGIF some days ago, thinking it would be an invitation to just make the decision already. We often already know what we want to do. My message was to just stop the “consideration” phase already and go for it. (Of course this is also a message to myself.)
The conversation last night invited a slightly different view: We already know what we want to do and have already made the decision. We are just taking time to think about it more deeply, rationalizing, and likely telling ourselves we still have time to change a course of action if we want to.
What if we surrendered a bit, trusted ourselves a bit more, could muster the courage to make a shift a bit faster. Would that be a good thing?
In my case, I’d like to get to the acting on a decision part faster. Looking back, I wish I’d had more courage to make changes faster, as soon as I knew in my gut what to do. Too often I’ve questioned myself. over-analyzed a situation, waited to feel 90% sure, rather than the 51% we really need (at least most of the time). What if I’d made various career, home, and relationship changes more efficiently?
About that boat
There was a time. early on in my relationship with Soren, when we were first pulling Wisdom Ventures together. We’d hosted an all day offsite at the house, and were on one of our after-dinner walks, talking through the day. I was flirting with the idea of leaving my job and jumping into writing and building the fund effort full time, as risky as that was. I often think about what he said that night:
“In life, boats pull up to the river’s edge from time to time. You can choose to get on the boat, or not. Eventually the boat will pull away and keep going down the river. It might come back, but it might not.”
(This has since been referred to as a fantastic pick-up line! 😂)
Levity aside, this is so true. We have opportunities arise and retreat all the time. It’s up to us if we want to make a move or not. We may—or may not—get another chance. It’s worth it to take a moment and really examine whether we are ready, whether we really need to continue to think about something or not. Maybe it is time.
ClearLife Choices
Am I using / doing / consuming this thing to feel less (as a dimmer) or for a less troublesome reason—to enjoy / nourish / have fun?
Is there a choice that would likely yield a better outcome?
Is there something I could do less (scroll social media, watch TV, eat sugary foods, gossip) or do more (healthy exercise, meditation, rest) that could have a positive impact on my life—and my loved ones?
Is there a decision I’ve been considering making that is actually already made, I am just over-considering it?
Why wait?
A Practice
Is there a choice or change you’ve been considering but haven’t fully made or acted on yet? Get as clear as possible about what it is, what it would look like, how it feels in your body. Sometimes this process starts by merely acknowledging a discomfort, lack of ease in a role, relationship, environment—that sense that something needs to change. Tune in. Visualize the shift.
Ask yourself: If I make a decision (and act on it) today, how would my life (or body, or finances, or energy, or wellbeing) be different in six months? One year? Ten years? Going deeper, have I already made the decision and I’m just stuck in an extended rationalization phase?
The most common phrase I hear from people who’ve made a decision about something that impacts their health and wellbeing (often to pause drinking) is regret for not making it sooner.
See you on the river, friends.
Love. ❤️
Sangha Saturday… via Zoom tomorrow… Please indicate your interest via the form link here and you’ll be added to the invitation(s). These gatherings are magical. Thank you for joining us! 🌟
The First Eight Awarenesses Immersive Workshop/Retreat… is happening December 9th-14th at MEA in Baja, Mexico. Information and registration information here. I’ll be leading this with Soren and our dear friend Teddi Dean. Financial support and scholarships are available and encouraged. Hope to see some of you there.
Thank you, Kasia… for having me on your The Other Way podcast. I loved our conversation and of course appreciate that this clip you passed on is a timely one! :)
The clip:
I am guessing that this will inflame some folks. Trust, please, that ALL avenues to healing and wellbeing, including recovery in many forms, are deeply respected. I am simply drawing a distinction here for clarity.