TGIF :: "Pre-Emoting;" A Practice I Didn’t Know I Needed
#101 || A bonus letter on something shifting thanks to living undimmed, amidst the bi-weeklies
I’ll write letters here from time to time, in addition to the every-other-Friday TGIFs. These will be a bit tighter and focused on a single topic I’d love to hear your thoughts on. As always, thank you for sharing your attention and time with me.
Dear Reader,
I've been noticing a shift in how I handle significant moments I know are coming—big changes I have the time to anticipate. The bulk of the surrounding feelings are happening before the big event, not during or after.
A recent example was launching my eldest son to college. For months, I found myself reflecting on the shift—what it would feel like to say goodbye, how our home might feel without his big, wild energy, and how his younger brother (they’re unusually close, have never been apart for long) would weather the change. I was extra tender about everything—so many “lasts” woven into the rhythm of meals, chores, jokes, routines I worried I may have taken for granted.
In the weeks leading up to his departure, I let myself really notice the little things: super strong and slightly extended man-hugs, the way his friends’ shoes piled up at the front door most nights, the quiet rituals we’d built over the years. I felt some of the ache early—and I let it in with curiosity and as much self-grace as I could muster.
So when the moment came to say goodbye (after a tough day when he was acting out, not me!), it wasn’t a collapse, it was surprisingly joyful. The music in the car as I drove away made me wiggle with relief and pride—that launched bird is going to be just fine out there.
➡️ For an amazing capture of this kid launching experience, from the heart, please take a moment to check out my friend Mia’s Healthy Birds Leave the Nest post. Beautiful.)
Other examples I see coming in the new year: My January book launch, being married, a likely home move. During my walks and drives and runs and quiet spaces, lying on my back in the dark, hands on heart, I am pre-experiencing these things. Not quite “thinking them through” but “feeling them through.” I’m now wondering if they will feel less dramatic when they happen because I am doing all of this pre-emoting?
A Shift
There was a time when I was more impulsive—jumping into things quickly, often without fully considering how I’d feel during or after. Big moments would sneak up on me emotionally, and I’d find myself caught off guard—sometimes completely derailed—by waves of feeling that made it harder to stay present. I can see now that I was dimming out the discomfort that arose in time of preparation and anticipation, usually with a drink, work, or other sources of temporary relief, so it was a lot to take once the big things actually happened.
These days, the pendulum has swung the other way. I tend to over-process, waiting to be sure before making a move (often too sure—note to self: 51% is probably enough). But the upside is that I’m more prepared. When we stay present through discomfort—without alcohol, overwork, distraction, or whatever our default dimmer might be—we give ourselves the gift of meeting change with presence and clarity. We’re not numbing or bracing in the build up. It’s just a lot more fluid and spacious-feeling.
Maybe this is undimming in action. We’ve pre-emoted.
As we get clearer and more self-aware, we can start meeting life’s big changes with more ease and calm. Not because we’re detached, but because we’ve made room. We’ve prepared our hearts. We’ve softened into the shift before it even arrives.
Have you noticed yourself making more space to feel things ahead of time—processing a bit before the moment actually arrives? Maybe there’s a little more steadiness now, a little less surprise, and the emotions—while still present—don’t ambush you like they used to.
If so, I’d love to hear how it’s showing up for you. Click “Comment” below, or just reply to this email if you’d prefer to connect more privately.
Until next time, let’s keep walking our paths, as we do.
Warmly,
Cecily
Reminder that our next Saturday Sangha is tomorrow, September 6th, 2025 at 9:00 AM PT / Noon ET. As always, we will begin with a brief meditation, set a bit of context, and then open the space for shared exploration. While not about “sobriety” or “recovery,” we are all actively exploring a life without dimmers. These are beautiful hours! Thank you to those who join. Link for an invitation here.
Question… Should we bring back the local Saturday Sanghas in Mill Valley (capacity of 8)?
I like this framing! “Pre-emoting” sounds like a kinder, gentler, calmer way to grapple with and understand anticipatory anxiety… disarm it, even! Thank you for linking to my piece too. 🙏
Schedules are always a challenge, but I'd love to join an in-person Sangha. Zoom is magic, but there is something very special about hearts meeting in the same physical space. And, I wonder if the benefit of pre-emoting is about the content itself or broader capacity building to cycle through grief more efficiently?