TGIF :: On Self-Trust

#67 || Playing "The Why? Game" to explore and embrace our authentic, undimmed selves, at last

Aug 16, 2024

You are reading ClearLife, an exploration of life without “dimmers” such as escapist drinking, eating, snark, exercise, shopping, sex, work, drugs—even generosity—in pursuit of a more intentional, present, and embodied way of being. Prior posts are available here. You can also find the first season of the Undimmed podcast, real conversations with real people about their journeys on Apple Podcasts here or Spotify podcasts here.

Recently, I found myself spending energy avoiding someone from my past—scanning nearby parking spaces for his car before going into a local business, things like that. “I just don’t want to bump into him and have to navigate inevitable awkwardness and smalltalk,” I told friends over dinner last week.

Then I ask myself:

Why?

What is the underlying feeling? What is it in me that doesn’t want to have supermarket smalltalk with certain people, whether it be a former colleague, lover, or other relation?

Why?

When I dig beneath the surface a bit, the feeling is fear. Fear of what? I am afraid of not being able to handle the exchange in a way I will feel good about, whether it be regrettable nervousness, chattiness, chilliness, or anything other than the cool, friendly—but not too friendly—confidence I would like to embody.

Why?

Because I, (we?) want to appear a certain way: Strong, but not too strong. Kind, but not too kind. Engaging, but not too engaging. Interested, but not too interested. Oh, and isn’t it interesting that some of us just might be less anxious about challenging interactions when we feel good about how we think we look that day? (Shouldn’t I have shaken that by now?!)

Small detour into America Ferrera’s iconic monologue in Barbie as a refresher on being a woman (if you get it, you get it):

You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.
You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.
But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.
You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line.

So back to why I care about perceived impressions in a brief and awkward social interaction.

Why?

I care (too much) about how I am perceived by others. I want to be seen in a certain way, especially by people by whom I feel wronged in some way. I tend to hang quite a bit of identity on being a survivor. The deep down internal feeling is: See, I am fine, thankyouverymuch.

Why?

…well, then it gets interesting. I’ve learned over the years that this clinging to being a survivor: Look at me, after all of that, I am fine(!), is a common feature across ClearLife journeys. Being aware of what we’ve been through and coming out on this end okay fuels many of us to stick with positive changes, keep our chins up, and also develop some self-compassion and grace along the way.

And that’s generally a good thing.

Yet this week, I’ve still been pondering why I still spend energy avoiding certain people or circumstances. A couple of quiet mornings and a long walk on the beach have me realizing that it all comes down to self-trust. I’m leaning into it. Here’s how.

This morning. 6:something. Stinson Beach, CA

The Unflushed Toilet At The White House

For many years, I was coached by my very well-intended mother to appear a certain way to be liked, welcomed, included, and loved. The underlying message was “If you didn’t follow the code of dress/behavior/manners, something very bad could happen” (though it was never really clear what that might be…).

Frustrated with so many rules to learn and follow, I remember playing “The Why Game” with her as a kid:

“So what, Mom, if I forget to flush the toilet sometimes? Who cares?”

“Well, what if you are a guest at the White House and you forget to flush the toilet then? Wouldn’t that be terrible?!”

I guess so? Why would this matter so much? Don’t people make mistakes sometimes? I remember thinking, and then knowing to drop it.

The message I received time and time again as a kid was: We get places in life because of how we act, appear, seem to others. We need to keep these appearances up, or else. This meant years of coaching and correcting to achieve a certain mastery in social graces, grooming, entertaining, and etiquette. Don’t get me wrong, these skills have been wonderfully helpful in countless ways, yet the foundational message of “If you don’t keep appearances up, you might lose everything” is layered and can lead to all kinds of other issues. It’s a pattern I am trying to break as I parent my own teenaged sons. I want them to have good grooming and social skills, but never believe that their worth or lovability is tied to such things. When we celebrate breaking the chain of family patterns, this stuff—going to the source—matters far more than the flavor of self-medicating we may have learned.

It’s no wonder so many of us self-medicate in a range of ways to handle the discomfort of inauthenticity. It can be pretty painful to not be ourselves—or worse, never know if we’d still be safe and loved if we don’t live up to an image we’ve architected for ourselves to survive.

The Undimmed You

When I stopped dimming out with daily drinking seven years ago, I started to get to know my true self in all kinds of new and awkward ways. It turns out I am not as socially jovial as I thought (oops!). I’m not naturally flirtatious either (phew!). I might not even be that fun (bummer!), but I am still working on proving that one wrong. I’m nourished by time alone, in nature, and long days of few plans other than following my energy across work, nourishment, exercise, and human connection of various flavors.

I also make better decisions now that I am clear, much better decisions—often wondering what life would look like if I’d made all of those choices about career, money, and relationships with a clearer head! I can hear my intuition more easily, and overall, I have a pretty solid life compass that I’m persistently trying to entice down from my head to my heart.

Yet, I’m occasionally faced with something that shakes me in a peculiar way, like this recent inclination to avoid a person or set of circumstances.

Why?

Because I don’t trust myself.

Why?

Well, if we’ve been dimming ourselves, letting boundaries be breached, or living in authentically while self-soothing/medicating in some way, we have a lot of memories of events that only happened because we weren’t clear.

This is especially true for women as we are coached to appear/behave a certain way from the beginning.

Healing

In my case, the way out of this has been to let myself get into situations that could be concerning and trust—know—that I am better equipped now than ever before to handle them with authenticity and grace. I know I can move through them just fine. And, if I don’t appear a certain way, the value of that authenticity plus internal reserves with which I can handle most things these days is good enough.

It took awhile to get here. I’m still working on it, actually. Yet this might be one of the most powerful features of a ClearLife path. If we trust ourselves more fully, our world opens up in so many ways. Self-protection layers can be shed. Many of us will discover we can love more fully and deeply—be more present. This is what it is all about. ❤️

A Practice To Develop Self-Trust

Imagine a potential (or likely) situation that sparks fear or otherwise intimidates you. It can be in your work, social, or family life.

Close your eyes and visualize the scene. Who is there? What are the surrounding sounds, smells, and sights? Still with your eyes closed, take a few breaths, feel how you feel in your body and let the sensations of the imagined experience really sink in.

Next, take the time to envision how you would like to respond to the situation in as much detail as possible—from your truest self. This could be simple things like speaking or not speaking, maintaining eye contact or looking away, getting rattled internally or not. Spend as many moments as you can seeing and feeling this ideal response, one that reflects the clear, calm, centered You.

When you emerge, consider this awareness a well you can dip into when needed. Know that you have all you need inside you to respond in any given moment. If you have a pattern of self-abandonment, inauthenticity, or over-focus on appearances, trust that you can leave that behind.

Looking forward.

As I worked my way through this over the last week, I found myself almost excited about the possibility of proving myself wrong: I can trust myself. I don’t think I’ll be shaken by this inevitable interaction after all. I can see myself authentically calm and clear when this and other awkward things happen, all while hopefully staying curious about the mystery of it all.

Maybe I am playing with a new deck of cards these days.

We can all handle the inevitable difficulties of life at least a little better than we may have in the past. If nothing else, can we at least be less critical of ourselves after the fact.

I’d love to hear about your experiences and impressions on this theme, if you’re inspired to share.

We’ve got this.

Love! 💝

TGIF :: On Self-Trust

#67 || Playing "The Why? Game" to explore and embrace our authentic, undimmed selves, at last

The Unflushed Toilet At The White House

The Undimmed You

Healing

A Practice To Develop Self-Trust

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