TGIF :: Entering My 50s, ❤️ First
#58 || Applying The Eight Awarenesses to a milestone birthday and the intention to live more from heart
ClearLife isn’t about drinking or not. It is an invitation to peel back the layers of ourselves, shed our armor (perfectionism, snark, performances, other protective identities), courageously walk the path to deeper authenticity, and then be truly present. Removing alcohol—or any dimmer—is really the first step, captured in The First Awareness: My Life is Better Clear. After that, things get really interesting, if we have the inclination to explore. I’ve been in that zone for a while. It informs most of my writing here.
Impermanence & Wonder
The arc of a human life is mind-boggling, when we think about it. We arrive, dependent and blob-like, having not chosen our parents or the circumstances we’re born into. Our lives, the duration of each unknown—really until the end, is a winding road of the spectrum of human experience. Then one day, we breathe our last breath.
And the cycle continues.
Our family lost a dear loved one this week. Within hours of learning this news, I was reminded of several new babies in our community. This doesn’t soften the blow of the loss, but it does remind me of the inevitable comings and goings—and the impermanence of it all. It’s no wonder so many hospitals play a facility-wide chime each time a baby is born, a reminder to those doing the often difficult life-preserving work on the other floors. A reminder that new journeys are beginning, even as others are coming to an end.
Living from the heart
So what’s the most important thing we can do in this mysterious life? It’s often said by great spiritual masters and those who sit with the dying that what matters most is not what what we’ve said, done, accumulated, or even left behind. What matters most is whether we loved well.
Even the most exalted states and the most exceptional spiritual accomplishments are unimportant if we cannot be happy in the most basic and ordinary ways, if we cannot touch one another and the life we have been given with our hearts.
- Jack Kornfield, A Path With Heart
A “Mid-Life” Shake Up
My default operating system is my brain. To steal a great metaphor from a recent conversation with Dan Harris, “my factory setting” is capable and slightly intimidating female. It’s no wonder. The prominence and power of the intellect was celebrated as I was growing up: Good grades, sharp social skills, and the ability to solve all kinds of problems meant success—I was trained well. In contrast, attunement to feelings and vulnerability were practically shamed.
I was a good girl and focused on developing my mind throughout a rigorous education, concluding with a law degree in 2001, followed by an intensely intellect-first career. (There’s a whole other piece on the pressure to (1) look good while doing it, (2) be capable but not too capable in the presence of important men, and (3) be tough but still ladylike… but we’ll save that for another day.) Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my mental capacity, but I’ve learned recently that it is not the place from where I want to live.
I want to live from my heart.
It’s not a family, a relationship, a book, a fund, or an identity I am here to create, support, and then leave. I love doing these things and will continue to prioritize these parts of my life, yet the deeper opportunity—one that revealed itself several paces into my own ClearLife journey, permeates all of these activities—is more subtle: My work in this lifetime is to drop down “beneath my chin” and actually navigate from my heart, trusting all else will flow and follow. Ironically, I know this truth in my mind now, after a good dose of therapy, workshops, and deeper spiritual work, yet the intention still feels like it comes from my mind. When my heart is guiding this intention to live from my heart—then I’ll know I’m making progress. :)
How do we know if we’re heart-led?
In my case, I know I’m navigating from my heart when I feel experiences in my body more than thinking them through with my mind. I can tell because I’m more easily moved to tears, I’m more likely to allow than architect connections with loved ones, and things just feel more fluid, less tense, more spirit-led. When difficult things happen, if I’m navigating from my heart, I can let myself feel then metabolize the feelings, rather than leap to solutions, explanations, or defenses.
For those of us with kids or pets, we can often read our own energy in our children or fur family members. My youngest is very sensitive, a bit of a head/heart barometer. When he is light and joyful in my presence, I can usually tell that I must be holding space for that energy. When he’s tense and drawn inward, I can often sense the same in me. Unencumbered by an adulthood of “shoulds” he’s himself still very heart-led—like a little energy mirror!
It’s never too late.
What keeps us in our analytical minds and holds us back from being heart-led, loving well? Maybe it’s fear of being hurt, resentment over prior wrongs, or an insecurity of some kind (another flavor of fear). Most of us have experienced all of the above at some point—and for some of us these experiences can linger with us for years—decades even. Can we just let these things go? Move on? Maybe.
A few questions I’ve been asking myself:
What do I want prioritize in future decades?
How am I living differently at 50 than my mother, my grandmothers, and why?
What are my truest priorities? Am I actually living a life that reflects them?
Am I (and if so, can I stay) limber enough to continue to evolve and allow?
The Eight Awarenesses & Turning 50
In mulling this over, I’m of course considering The Eight Awarenesses, a framework we can use to help us dim less. If the goal is to be more heart-led—more present, clear, and aligned—why not use it in considering a milestone birthday? Even better, we can use these awarenesses to develop intentions, really at any stage in life.
Here are mine for this milestone birthday:
Clarity. My life is better clear.
Intention: Heighten awareness of how I use work and kindness (current dimmers) to soften edges these days; attune a bit more to heart.
Choice. I choose what I consume.
Intention: Spend less time on screens (brain) and more time being nourished by the outdoors (heart, spirit).
Intuition. My intuition defines my priorities and I pursue a life that reflects them.
Intention: Get better at distinguishing between fear and intuition… I’ve been super humbled to get these all tangled up in recent weeks in making tough decisions!
Healing. I seek to understand my trauma, but do not make it my identity.
Intention: So, it turns out that some of that healing I thought had happened hasn’t. I still carry a resentment dagger or two. I’d like to put these down, let them go, convert these victim vibes to empathy vibes. Baby steps.
Freedom. Forgiveness and letting go are on the path to liberation.
Intention: For those with whom I still have residual friction in my life, feel into the underlying why and free myself from that first.
Respect. I don’t judge or impose my limitations on others.
Intention: As positive and challenging feedback continue to come in about this ClearLife work, continue to not take things personally (not judge myself!). I can feel the feelings, but not overthink them.
Time. Time is our most precious currency.
Intention: Allow more time and space for heart-led moments and FUN (thank you, Hoffman, for that big learning this year!).
Service. I seek ways to support others, especially in times of abundance.
Intention: Live this way from… heart. Know it isn’t the thing, it’s how we do it, the feeling behind the action. People are touched more my how we communicate and the energy around a connection rather than the words spoken.
Practices to drop beneath the chin
Here are a few simple tools we can all do to connect with our hearts:
Place your hand on your heart. This simple gesture brings our awareness down to our body and helps us tune in to sensations beyond the activity of the mind. Ideally, close your eyes and take a few intentional breaths. I love using this when experiencing an unexpected emotion, facing a difficult decision, or catching myself before speaking from impulse or reactivity.
Spend time in nature… Or simply visualize spending time in nature. Remarkably, visualization can have a similar neurobiological effect (as has been shown with this research).
Get crafty… Create anything! Cook, garden, experiment with simple art projects, engage with a hobby, experiment with photography… these all help us drop into our heart space as we rest our brains and use more of our senses to explore and express ourselves.
Take an intentional walk… Also called a walking meditation, walk at a slower pace exclusively focusing on the senses: sound, smell, scent, surroundings… then the body experience. Try to rest the mind and just experience the fullness of moving this way and everything that we can experience around us.
Let the Love in… Receive the hug fully. Return the real eye contact. Express gratitude to anyone and everyone with full presence. Allow some space and time for simply having fun.
Write out our Eight Awarenesses Intentions, from the heart… Try it and let me know how it goes!
So, I will sign off, crossing the threshold into my 50s, hand on heart.
Join me?
❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
P.S. I made all kinds of noise on IG and LinkedIn yesterday, but I’ve been encouraged to share here too: My Undimmed book on The Eight Awarenesses is on its way with the partnership and support of Jackie Ashton (Bookmark Agency) and Bryn Clark (Flatiron). Thank you, Substack community & subscribers for being such an incredible source of support, inspiration, feedback, and learning as this dream continues to evolve into a reality. It feels heart-led!
Miscellaneous…
Elise Loehnen…. what a badass. Have you heard her podcast Pulling the Thread (how I found her)? Read her book, On Our Best Behavior, The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to be Good? I was thrilled to join an intimate interview with her at The Battery in San Francisco this week and wow… her take on women and WTF is going on with how we are being culturally defined is spot on.
Did you know… You can get in a lot of trouble if you are on federal land and call 911 because someone on illegal drugs needs medical attention? Unlike local jurisdictions where police often help rather than arrest, no matter how urgent the need, a 911 call from a national park exposes you to charges for possession of whatever is around when the feds show up. Conversations in our family this week have centered around still calling for help when needed, even if there could be legal trouble. A life is a life and if you need help, get help.
Sober Sex….! Thank you, GQ, for this provocative piece on what’s different about sober sex, you know, undimmed sex… Yeah, it’s more… real (and omg… with hand on heart?!)! Have a read and lmk if you are up for being interviewed on this topic (anonymous or not) for this Substack or even the podcast. Thank you, C., for the share.
Happy birthday and book deal, Cecily!
Resonates on so many levels. Happy Birthday and congrats on the book deal, dear Cecily!