TGIF :: When Overdoing Isn’t Noble—It’s Numbing

#91 || High Functioning Codependency and the Second Awareness

I write to explore living undimmed—present and self-aware of escapist drinking, eating, snark, exercise, shopping, sex, work, drugs—even functioning(!)—so we can truly show up. Prior posts are available here. Thank you for trusting me with your time.

Looking up on the Dipsea Trail after a long hike from home to Stinson Beach last week

What is High Functioning Codependency?

Trying to listen to less news, I was perusing podcasts this week and landed on one that hit home: “Are You A High Functioning Codependent? Find Out with Terri Cole” from Glennon Doyle and crew’s We Can Do Hard Things. It didn’t take long for the material to resonate.

Terri Cole uses the term “high-functioning codependency” to describe people who appear incredibly capable and self-sufficient—but underneath, often feel exhausted, resentful, and overwhelmed in their relationships. These are the folks who say yes reflexively, take on too much, and quietly carry what isn’t theirs to carry. Sound familiar?

High-functioning codependency is a subtle form of self-abandonment—constantly doing, giving, fixing, without assessing whether it’s actually aligned with the interests and needs of the other and our own abilities and resources. It’s a close cousin of hypervigilance, as I understand it. Though she didn’t go into the underlying cause of these patterns in either of two episodes, I know from Melanie Beattie’s Codependent No More book (a work that rocked my world when I read it three decades ago!) that ties these tendencies to growing up in families affected by alcoholism or other forms of dysfunction. Kids learn early on how to:

• Focus on others’ moods and needs to stay safe or maintain peace

• Suppress their own feelings, needs, and desires

• Develop a hyper-responsible or “fixer” role

• Confuse love with caretaking

So why not be codependent if we are high functioning?

Maybe we like this role. Maybe it’s just who we are? What’s the big deal?

There are two primary problems with this tendency: (1) it robs the other of the opportunity to learn something for themselves or be the hero of their own story (Cole tells a great tale about how not saving her sister helped her sister more durably save herself) and (2) it inevitably results in burnout, resentment, and troubled relationships as the HFC becomes increasingly controlling, hypervigilant, and bitter with people it might appear they are “helping.”

The invitation of both her work and this awareness is: Pause and check in with ourselves before saying yes.

Sausalito evening walk

HFC and the Second Awareness

In my last post, What We Let In, I wrote about the might of discernment—how the Second Awareness (I choose what I consume) invites us to become more intentional about what we allow into our bodies, minds, and lives. The post (and my work in this area to date) focuses mostly on external consumption: media, food, material things, environments. But this week, learning more about high-functioning codependency, I realized how deeply this awareness applies to our internal patterns too—especially around doing.

Living in an over-functioning way—constantly saying yes, anticipating others’ needs, holding things together behind the scenes—can look like strength. It can look like success. It can look like care. But often, it’s a quiet form of self-abandonment. A dimmer, disguised as thoughtfulness and competency.

And that’s why her framing touches me so deeply. Because over-doing is just as much something we “let in” as what we read, eat, or scroll. It’s a habitual pattern of consumption—of energy, responsibility, emotional labor—that we often don’t recognize as optional.

But it is.

The Second Awareness reminds us that we choose. We choose what we let in, and what we take on. We choose whether to offer or react out of habit or authentic care. And that choice becomes more accessible when we cultivate space between the ask and the answer—when, as Cole puts it, we give ourselves a moment to discern what underlies our response.

Two Questions We Can Ask Ourselves

In exploring whether we have HFC tendencies, we can ask ourselves two questions before swooping in to help, saying yes, or offering our time or resources to another.

1. What is my motivation for saying yes? Is it impulsive? Out of habit? Because we feel dutiful? Do we want to appear a certain way? Do we want relief from some internal discomfort that seems to vanish when we are in a place of giving?

2. Am I acting out of obligation or fear? Notice the delicacies here. Obligation can be towards self or other. Fear can be of a reaction or something not being done the way we’d like it done. What is the true worst case scenario here? Would it maybe be better for the other person if they had to solve the issue themselves?

These two questions are deceptively simple. But when asked honestly, they can shift things in a very potent way. They serve to help us notice when our actions are nourishing—coming from a place of genuine care or desire—and when they’re actually dimming us, draining us, or keeping us small in the name of being “helpful” or “strong” — often at the expense of the other person.

By bringing attention to the motivation behind our actions, we start to reclaim agency. Not to pull away from others, but to show up with more authenticity, alignment, and presence.

In a culture that celebrates busyness, sacrifice, and selflessness—especially for women—it can feel radical to pause before jumping in. But maybe that pause is the most generous thing we can offer: to ourselves and everyone around us.

The Might of Two Seconds

I don’t know about you, but I usually don’t notice my own compulsive overfunctioning tendencies until after the fact, when I’m feeling overextended and sometimes even resentful (kids’ laundry, covering financial gaps for others, agreeing to a meeting or to volunteer for something when I don’t actually have the space that day).

How can we develop the muscle to pause before acting on impulse? By deepening our capacity to pause before responding or acting. Even two seconds between input and reaction can change our lives. And how to do we build the ability to pause for two seconds? A meditation practice — even if a modest one. Cole notes:

The top thing that can help and HFC, is having a dedicated meditation practice . . . because what happens is . . . it buys yourself about two seconds of response time. That’s all you need to [change a pattern].

She explains “we don’t need to move to India,” we just need to find five, ten, twenty minutes a day to be still. Familiarize ourselves with our minds. Deepen our self-awareness. Over time, we are less quick to act, comment, agree, or do.

In that brief space, we are practicing tuning in instead of automatically reaching out. We can ask, Is this mine to carry? Is this nourishing, or is it dimming me? We can shift from being consumed by doing to consciously choosing what we do—and why.

That’s the essence of this ClearLife invitation. It’s not just about avoiding substances or distractions. It’s about noticing the patterns that dim us from the inside out, and reclaiming our agency with awareness, honesty, and compassion.

Taking the leap

Some of us might ask: What will happen—and who will I be—if I’m not the capable one? The one who always knows what others need, who’s always stepping in, showing up, taking care?

Letting go of this role can feel like an identity shift. I know from experience: not everyone will like it. Some might resist the change. Some might take it personally.

But, also true: We never get to find out what might blossom in that newfound space if we don’t try. If we don’t carve out room for discovery and self-exploration beyond the confines of our compulsions, we stay stuck—repeating roles that no longer serve us (or others!), even when our souls are ready to move forward.

It is up to us to explore what might be waiting on the other side of “capable.”

Be well.

💖

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䷇ Wisdom 2.0 is coming up! May 5th-6th at The Commonwealth Club in San Francisco. Details here. Not yet on the schedule: I will be interviewing Hamish MacKenzie, co-founder of Substack and Chief Writing Officer(!). I had the great joy of being in the room at the TED conference last week when he gave a stunning talk on disruption and evolution in media… we’ll be pulling on these threads.

⭕️ One Hour of Community Connection via Zoom… The next Sangha Saturday is Saturday, May 10th, 2025 at 9:00 AM PT / Noon ET. We begin with a brief meditation, set a bit of context, and then the space for shared exploration. While not about “sobriety” or “recovery,” we are all actively exploring a life without dimmers; for many, that dimmer was alcohol. Others include food, generosity, pot, appearances(!), and work. Link for invite here.

💊 The ClearLife Reset Supplement… is live! We are loving the feedback coming in about this gentle nutritional support for a 30+ day break from alcohol. Learn more here. We are giving away a few sets in exchange for detailed feedback and possible influencer relationship building. Be in touch if this is of interest to you.

📕 Undimmed: The Eight Awarenesses for Freedom from Unwanted Habits… my book is being birthed! Working closely with my agent and my awesome team at Flatiron Books/Macmillan, I signed off on the cover and internal design this week. Despite all of those stories about struggles with publishers, the process has been somewhat of a dream. Grateful. It is getting real… pub date: January 6, 2026.