TGIF :: When I'm Buzzed I Feel Like "The Real Me"

Weekly Drop || #13

As noted last week, I’m taking two weeks to craft the post on The Fourth Awareness. In the meantime, I’m responding to a beautiful inquiry from one of you.

Truth be told, I received this email two months ago. In taking my time to craft a response, I’ve consulted with several of you, dear friends and members of the ClearLife community, on the substance. You know who you are… thank you for your generosity and willingness to share your experiences and perspectives so that I can respond as I have here. ✨🙏🏼✨

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Dear ClearLife,

Thank you for all that you do. Your “dimmer” positioning has helped me to understand what it is that I find attractive about drugs and alcohol. They smudge reality and, when you're deeply insecure, that can feel extremely liberating.

If I'm honest, I'm at my freest when I'm “dimmed” — the internal, critical voice is quieted (finally) and I feel that I get closer than ever to my true self. Of course, this is a fantasy, and when the dimmer goes away, I'm back to square one (or worse). I know my work ahead is to get closer to this freedom without external aids.

How would you suggest someone go about doing this? Is there no space for dimmers (well-managed, of course) on the quest for self-discovery, creativity and true freedom?

— Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for sharing your inquiry in such a candid and relatable way. Many of us have experienced what you describe: using a little of this or that as a makeshift cloak of confidence, temporarily shielding us from insecurities, inhibitions, discomforts, worries—even pain. In my case, I “smudged” my own career and relationship realities for years, trying to delay scary, inevitable changes. That was liberating for me too, for a while, until it wasn’t.

You ask two questions here. I’ll answer them in order.

1. How do I access my “true self” without drugs and alcohol?

It sounds like you long to be free from your inner critic, a pervasive insecurity, without “external aids.” Further, your intuition is nudging you to pursue this exploration, despite the appeal and momentum of staying in a cycle of use. This awareness is the first step, and such an important one. Simply spending time observing this desire, for as long as you need or want, nudges you closer towards a life that is authentically “free.”

You are not alone… and science

Before we get deeper into the how, I am compelled to note that you are in very good company. Moderate drinking and drug use is an easy, socially sanctioned (let’s be honest, encouraged) way to relax and shed our inhibitions. It’s the go-to for so many of us not because we are weak, but because it’s our biology.

Alcohol and recreational drugs “work” because they stimulate our brains to release dopamine, the same chemical that triggers a “high” when we eat our favorite foods, earn money, or complete tasks. Simply said, our biochemistry rewards us for engaging in activities that have fueled our survival for thousands of years, long before gelato, employee bonus programs, casinos, and tequila shots. For an incredible deep dive on this feature of our wired, consumption-centric society, I highly recommend Dr. Anna Lembke’s Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence.

Point being, don’t feel bad about this. There isn’t room for shame or guilt on the path I strive to share here.

OpenAI / DALL-E2-generated “listening to intuition” June 28, 2023

Ok, so how?

There are no shortcuts to shedding the internal forces that fuel our insecurities. For most of us, it can take years, if not decades, to calm, or ideally reconcile with, our various inner critics—collected from the playground, the family dinner table, fashion magazines, the difficult professor, the lover who broke our heart, the manipulative boss, and countless other voices that have told us we are inadequate.

The path to our most genuine, magnificent, fully realized, and present selves—without shortcuts—is paved with delicate yet persistent and typically deep work. It starts with getting to know the true, undimmed version of ourselves—the version that experiences discomfort, shyness, and fear at times. The version that is authentic and real—open to profound love and connection. The path is different for everyone which means there are an infinite number of ways to go about it. You get to choose what works for you.

Here are a few helpful approaches I’ve witnessed or personally experienced:

1. Take A Break. Consider experimenting with an extended hiatus from your dimmer(s) of choice, a week or two—even a month. I’ve written about this previously in covering The Second Awareness. I recognize it isn’t easy to do—it can even feel impossible when we are caught in the current of our daily lives, surrounded by people and activities that normalize drinking, smoking, or whatever else. To access our innate presence and confidence without relying on a dopamine surge, we need to develop a bit of familiarity with our unaltered or “clear” selves. Again, simple awareness around what that’s like is a big step forward.

2. Have A WTF Moment. Holly Whitaker is my favorite example of a person who stopped drinking and became an advocate for living alcohol free because as far as I can tell, she got really pissed off. In addition to her book Quit Like a Woman, the Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol, she is featured in several magazines and papers (some are listed here). Among my favorite quotes from her book:

   The goal here is to create a situation you no longer have to escape, or a life you don’t have to numb. The achievement of sobriety is not the point; it’s a by-product of the work. The work is the point. Addiction is the hook that gets you in the door, and quitting is the catalyst to heal deeper wounds.

   ….

   [My] awakening was followed by the part where I discovered that alcohol was not only something I could not abide, but perhaps something we all shouldn’t, and that was paralleled by the part where I discovered that the systems in place to help me stop drinking the chemical we’ve been trained to tolerate—the chemical that was physically and emotionally and mentally murdering me—were archaic, patriarchal, masculine, and hence ineffective for me as a non-man.

   The latter excerpt can also be found in Maria Shriver’s Newsletter here (absolutely worth the quick read). “WTF moments” can also arise from boredom with the loops and routines of drinking (a friend recently said “What the hell am I doing, going through this high-low every 24 hours?!”) or even vanity (I might need to craft a post on the physical transformations we enjoy when we remove toxins from our daily routines).

3. Deep Dive Into Healing. You have an opportunity to tend to your inner being with whatever support works for you, be it through reading, meditation, workshops, retreats, or therapy. In dedicating ourselves to healing the wounds underlying these feelings and confront our inner critics, we inevitably shift and broaden our perspective on life and what is possible. This transformation creates a ripple effect that extends to those we hold dearest, so those closest to use benefit immeasurably too.

   

   Tenzin and his cousin on Mt. Tam

4. Get To Know Your Parts. Speaking of deep dives into healing, when your inner critic arises, instead of trying to suppress or dismiss this “part” of you, try meeting it with curiosity. Ask, “What are you trying to protect me from?” and explore from there. If you are not yet familiar with it, Dick Schwartz’s, No Bad Parts, is a life-changing book on understanding and healing the parts of ourselves that may have sneakily assumed control positions in our lives.

5. Visualize The “Free You.” When you close your eyes and envision the version of yourself that is secure in their own skin, exuding confidence without arrogance, embodying grace and strength, do you see them drinking or high? How do they stand? How do they speak? What is their handshake and eye contact like? Can you experiment with embodying that version of you that is at ease in their own skin and truly free? If you have yet to see it, I encourage you to watch Amy Cuddy’s TED talk: Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are. I’ve personally used her “stance” practice in bathroom stalls to pull myself together before important meetings and stage appearances for years.

6. Prioritize Authenticity. You sound like you are, above all else, on a “quest for self-discovery, creativity and true freedom.” Your intuition is already guiding you to see that this true freedom only exists without “external aids.” Maybe it won’t be easy or pretty, working through your insecurities, but it will allow for the unfurling of your authentic self, and that is beautiful. If nothing else, don’t we deep down, really want to be authentic?

7. Treat Yourself Like a Cherished Loved One. If this all feels too self-indulgent, consider the opportunity from a different angle. Would you want a beloved child to live with this feeling of insecurity? Would you wish for someone you deeply care about to feel inadequate or not free in any way? Of course not. You’d want them to approach themselves with love and compassion and do the inner work to grow beyond the illusion that they need to bio-hack their way to freedom. Consider extending that same tender, loving care you’d offer another to yourself.

Death Valley for some perspective on NYE 2020

In sum…

You’re actually on The Eight Awarenesses path of:

Clarity (maybe my life is better clear?)

Choice (what should I choose?)

Intuition (is my intuition sending me a message?)

Your inquiry is timely because next week I’ll delve into The Fourth Awareness, I seek to understand my trauma, but do not make it my identity. This awareness allows us to view our use of dimmers as utterly understandable self-medication, a source of relief, rather than a “problem” or if in the addiction state, a “disease.” We can experience our pain and then strive to move forward without letting it cling to us, defining our identity or casting us into victimhood.

2. Can I use dimmers while pursuing self-discovery, creativity and true freedom?

Your second question is a bit easier. The answer is: It depends on you and what you truly want. For some of us, the answer is a definitive no because we realize that any use of dimmers is unhealthy or stands between us and the version of ourselves we aspire to be. For others, their journey is not really impacted one way or another by occasional use of drugs or alcohol, so sure, why not?

In fact, many people are successfully using guided psilocybin, MDMA, Ketamine, and other psychotropics for therapeutic exploration and discovery, not escape. The critical distinction lies in the intention behind the usage: Are we engaging with these substances to learn and explore, or as a means to dim or evade our reality?

How do we know?

We can ask ourselves: Why are we reaching for whatever it is we choose to consume? Are we escaping, bored, or avoiding discomfort? If the latter, and I’ll note this is what it sounds like in your case, then I’d be cautious. It’s by confronting and moving through the discomfort that you'll uncover the aspects of yourself that require nurturing and healing.

“It’s the edge that discomfort or that little bit of suffering that we take off with the booze or the shopping or whatever, that discomfort is usually that what propels us to change.”

—Glennon Doyle in her We Can Do Hard Things podcast with Cheryl Strayed (episode 197).

My experience with my why

In my case, I eventually realized that drinking and drugs were shutting down the real me. The real me didn’t want to be in the environments I needed to drink or be high to feel good in. The real me yearned for healthier habits, a consistent meditation practice, engaging work I loved, and more profound connections with my loved ones, especially my kids.

In my case, I’ve experimented with marijuana several times in recent months. When I was undergoing radiation therapy and found myself amidst three beloved individuals during a delightful evening filled with dinner, conversation, and late-night tea, smoking a bit of a joint felt exploratory, therapeutic even. Since then I’ve observed myself and my occasional draw to it. Just last week I considered smoking again and noticed that the appeal came from boredom. That’s a yellow flag I now know to pay attention to.

I can’t believe I am sharing this photo, but here goes. This version of me, in night club destination #3 of a long night out, is not the real me (but boy did she think she was fabulous in that moment). The real me woke up at dawn today in an Airbnb by the ocean with four incredible fellow-practitioner women to continue a four day retreat at Land of Medicine Buddha. A lot has changed in the years since this photo.

Gratitude

Thank you again for your question. I’m touched by it because I remember being where it sounds like you are—curious, intuiting, cautious, and increasingly aware. If I could go back in time and talk to the then-me, I’d say:

You are doing awesome. This is all going to make sense in time. Just keep paying attention to what works and what doesn’t—what is moving you forward and what’s holding you back.

And above all else, trust that little voice inside. She’s looking out for you. You are enough—and you are loved.

Be well. ❤️

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Miscellaneous….

Looking forward to… seeing some of you at an in-person retreat I am cohosting with Soren August 4-6 at the beautiful 1440 Multiversity campus near Santa Cruz. Details here. The themes are presence, connection, intention, reflection, and play with plenty of time off devices and in nature. ClearLife is not the theme, but this will be a substance-free weekend in a beautiful place with wonderful people if you are drawn to exploring that :)

Grateful for… the incredible women in my life! I’ve always had great men-friends, but at the beginning of this year I asked for an opportunity to connect with women, especially teachers. The Universe has provided 🙏🏼

Enjoying… engaging with readers in this way. Questions welcome via email. 💌