TGIF :: On the Magnificence & Shadow of Care

Weekly drop #28 || Giving, receiving, and attuning to the underlying why

This week I explore care as a language, the opportunity to fully extend and receive it, and a shadowy side of codependency that can rear its head in these arenas. Details about our next Sangha Saturday (tomorrow, via zoom) are at the end. 🙏🏼

That time when my bestie and I brought each other the same gift on a special day 🤍

Gestures of Care

My partner and I recently visited his father at his new assisted living home. “Grandpa” was energized and excited to see us—vivaciously telling stories about his childhood, asking questions about our lives, and cracking jokes. Throughout, my gaze kept returning to the bowl of meticulously cubed oranges on his dinner tray—freshly cut, perfectly bite-sized, absent of any pith or seeds. Cubed, with love.

For days I’ve been reflecting on this gesture of care (and the experience of noticing it): You can tell a lot of about a place based on how they serve oranges.

Noticing Gestures of Care

Since leaving my last tech exec role in December, I’ve been trying to slow down and notice more, anchoring myself with Lama Tsultrim’s guidance: Stop, Pause, Look (Listen, Smell, Taste, Feel). It takes discipline, yet something about this month of October—between the end of summer and the start of a holiday season—invites a bit more ease of awareness than usual. I now see gestures of care all around me.

“Forever is composed of nows.” ― Emily Dickinson

Last week, an elegantly dressed gentleman in Hayes Valley caught my eye—every detail, from glasses and handkerchief to his vintage camera case were styled with flair. By Friday, it was the heart crafted by the barista in an oh-so-appreciated cappuccino before a complicated conversation.

…in how our neighbors tend to the buddha in shared public space every day.

…in the elder neighbor’s driveway—the way he places his garbage cans, just so, week-after-week.

…in the eye contact we let linger for a meaningful moment when exchanging mutual thanks at check-out in the grocery store.

On “The Bamboo Steps” near our office, lovingly tended to by our neighbors daily.

Receiving Care From Others

When we are open to it, we have an opportunity to deeply feel the care that is being extended to us.

…in the way friends carefully unpacked our to-go order and placed our dinner in a spectrum of beautiful serving plates alongside candles and fresh water.

…in the nurse offering a second heated blanket, to cover my feet, as I waited for a (routine) procedure to start.

…in my beloved noticing I need a hug, especially when I don’t ask for one.

Extending Care to Self, Others

Maybe care is about deliberate slowness, infusing intention into our actions and offerings. This can be as simple as slicing and serving fruit a certain way, making the bed thoughtfully, silencing phones at meals, or leaving a clean kitchen counter for the next person—even if that person is you :)

Care can also manifest as a gentle “no.” Choosing rest over plans, saying, “I’d love to join, but I’ve had a long week and am going to stay in and rest tonight” is a gesture of self-care. It’s understanding that we can’t please everyone, yet standing true to ourselves can inspire others, creating ripples we might never witness.

The Shadow: Hyper-Vigilance

Yet care and noticing can also go too far. I grapple with hyper-vigilance, a carry over from years of looking after someone who wasn’t great at looking after herself. This codependency-linked trait means I am almost always scanning my surroundings for clues of disorder and neglect, then trying to get ahead of a potential crisis with a fix before things go awry—or at least the appearance of being fixed.

A stained shirt. Too many days of unopened mail. Dirty fingernails. Moldy food in the refrigerator. Lights left on in unoccupied rooms. I often perceive these things as warning signs, invitations for me to over-tend, inquire, meddle—even judge.

The inner experience of living this way can be exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to track everyone and everything around us—and then try to understand why everyone else doesn’t. No wonder my law school career advisor suggested I pursue a role with the CIA (I did love the lavender suit the recruiter was wearing—would I too get to dress like that?).

Imagine what this is like for my poor family, especially my teenaged son(!). It’s a lot to take, my noticing so much and often wanting to talk things through—all the time.

Yet this vigilance plus a can-do attitude and an unhealthy endless well of grit made me a pretty good tech company COO. No mess was too daunting for me to recognize and resolve. No crisis too overwhelming for me to volunteer to own and overcome. It’s no wonder that “social” drinking served as an unconscious salve, a way to “take the edge off” and ease up a bit at the end of the day.

In talking this theme through with my partner and younger son over dinner last night, I was asked “What was the reason for all of your tending and vigilance around your childhood home, to protect against a disaster of some kind?” I explained that no, it really wasn’t that practical or clear. I felt my job was to hide the truth, to make sure no one knew we needed help. This is a shadow side of care—vigilance to hide. This is my daily work: Am I presenting well out of self-care or as a cover-up?

Consistency in ClearLife

Care can stem from love and thoughtfulness, or from anxiety and fear. A pivotal aspect of the ClearLife journey is discerning where we stand on this spectrum and delving into the reasons why.

Of course we can offer and extend authentic care while in the midst of using dimmers. In my experience, the shift that comes with ClearLife is consistency. My “fuck-it muscle” has atrophied since pausing drinking in 2017. The consistent attentiveness that has arisen in its stead can take a similar amount of energy, but if channeled well, it transforms into a serene awareness, imbued with deeper intention and presence. Those we cherish can palpably sense this shift.

Practices Around Care

In giving, receiving, and balancing expressions of care, the opportunity is to slow down and enjoy the experience of inbound or outbound intention. Simple ways to explore include:

1. Extending Care: In doing even the simplest of tasks, we can imbue them with thoughtfulness. Crafting an email, folding laundry, starting a meeting, bagging our groceries, greeting a friend. This also extends to preparing food, wrapping gifts, writing a card—acts of care are felt.

2. Receiving Care: Attuning to our surroundings and noticing gestures of care can be deeply moving for both the giver and the receiver, if we allow it. The practice is easy: slow down and let the senses take in what is being offered to us in any way—a message, a cup of tea, something we have a chance to experience in nature, whatever it is.

3. Self-Awareness Around Care: When presenting in a certain way, whether it is how we dress, how clean our home is, how perfect we can try to make things look, we can consider the underlying energy. Is it generosity and love or coverup and armor? Simply notice.

A breakfast, 2018

Creating Space

Last night I took a night off of cooking. Reflecting on this theme, instead of eating the deli food right out of the containers, my son and I took a few minutes to place the items into a variety of individual, brightly colored serving dishes, serving spoons and all. The kitchen table was lit nicely, and we put a cold, glass bottle of water out with matching glasses. I’m quite certain that the depth of our dinner table conversation was amplified by the care we infused into preparing the setting for our otherwise simple meal.

I won’t be cubing the orange going into his lunchbox this morning, but I might sneak in his room and make his bed with extra care while he’s at school today. He usually notices.

Love.

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Miscellaneous…

❤️ Sangha Saturdays continue tomorrow… 9-10am PT via zoom. The topic is Relationship & ClearLife: navigating our relationship with dimmers, our relationship with fellow humans while navigating a ClearLife journey, and more. 9-10am PT. Complete this simple form for an invite.

🤦🏽‍♀️ Just when I thought… people we finally grokking the link between alcohol and seven deadly cancers (including breast), my new friends at Alcohol Justice sent me this. Bricoleur Vineyards invites us to “Sip with purpose and join the fight against breast cancer” after Saran, one of it’s proprietors, was diagnosed earlier this year. My heart goes out to this family as I can relate to the pain of this journey—and—I hope someone near and dear calls their attention to the disorienting contradictions inherent in selling alcohol to raise money to treat or cure breast cancer.

💡 Leading health hack…. I picked up several this year, but one of my current favorites is drinking a full glass of pure water first thing upon waking—yes, before coffee :) So easy, so many benefits, and I feel the difference on the days I remember.