TGIF :: On Self-Referentiality + A Fresh Undimmed Podcast Episode + More
#107 || Plus... book tour dates at the end. I'd love to see/meet you.
Welcome new subscribers! I write bi-weekly about living undimmed—present and self-aware to the ways we might habitually dull our lives with certain types of drinking, eating, snark, exercise, shopping, sex, work, drugs—even over-functioning. Prior posts here.
Have you pre-ordered your copy of Undimmed yet? I am learning that pre-pub date sales are a big deal for a range of reasons, so if you expect to purchase a copy (or Audiobook), please consider doing so before January 6th (the link above makes that possible via all the usual places, including Bookshop, where proceeds are also shared with independent bookstores).
On Self-Referentiality
I tuned in to listen to a lovely conversation between dear friends Elena Brower and Yung Pueblo: Hold Nothing here on Substack a few weeks ago. I loved what felt like joining their deep and heartfelt conversation about so many topics near and dear to my own heart… staying after steady practice, parenting, self-trust, trusting others, books we love, developing our minds, stillness. But one thing in particular jumped out at me: Elena’s mention of self-referentiality as something we may want to shed.
I don’t that I’d ever even heard this term before, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it.
self-referentiality, ˌself-ˌre-fə-ˌren(t)-shē-ˈa-lə-tē, noun: the tiresome and sometimes pretentious tendency to allude to or refer to oneself
Here is a good deep dive on the topic if you want to read more.
I’ve been thinking about this for a few reasons. There is a tension worth exploring here, that line between being self-referential and being genuinely relatable, empathetic. I think I go here a lot in my own writing, but my awareness is heightened around self-referentiality in conversation, and why.
In times of connection, especially with more than two people talking, it’s easy for the conversation to become a chain of self-referencing stories: “When I had something similar happen to me…” and “I remember when I…” or “My similar experience was…” Sometimes it’s beautiful. Sometimes it’s too much.
No major faults here, for this is how we connect, learn about one another, and open up—it’s how we relate. I love that part of being human. I cherish hearing others’ stories and the chance to shape and offer my own memories and experiences in return, but there is a shadow here too. I’ve been noticing the moments when the story someone else is telling doesn’t actually need mine to follow.
Sometimes there’s room to be curious instead. To ask a deeper question. To allow a beat of silence. To let the speaker keep going, a layer deeper. To hold a kind of noble space — the kind of presence that doesn’t rush to fill itself with “I this” or “when that happened to me” — even if those things are true.
I’m experimenting with that lately: listening without immediately reaching for my own reflection. Letting someone else stay at the center of their experience for a little longer. Talking a little less in certain settings. It feels like a small, grounding shift. Noticing was half of it.
And now I offer this practice to you. Notice. Stay still. Pause. Allow.
Thank you,
for this spark of awareness, doing what you do.Speaking of Elena…
Her long awaited and absolutely beautiful book Hold Nothing was released this week. It’s clean, clear, and generous while also having a certain heft to it, feeling soft and mighty in one’s hands (and heart) at once. The kind of book that rearranges the furniture inside you without making a sound.
And a beautiful gift. Some years ago I purchased 20+ copies of
’s Clarity and Connection to gift to all of my favorite people for the holidays—it had had such an impact on me that year. This is the first book I’ve encountered since then with a similar calling. Enjoy 💖
A Bonus Undimmed Podcast Episode Dropped Last Night
A 24-minute bridge between seasons one and two (eta Q1!) with a bit more self-referentiality than any other episode to date (😆). Thank you, Joanne & Megan for the quick, careful, and beautiful work here, as always.
You can listen via this link ⬇ or anywhere else you tune into your podcasts.
A Few Things Coming Up
I’m Co-Hosting A Writing Workshop with Yung Pueblo
Please consider joining us on December 15th at 7pm ET for an hour of guided writing exercises focused on freedom from the habits that dim our lives. All of the details and registration information here. Thank you, Flatiron Team, for the orchestration for this one.
A Small Heads-Up
In preparing for my book launch, I am experimenting with a parallel email list, separate from this ClearLife Substack. I’ll share important updates about my book tour, other events, special gifts, and occasional news you may want to know first.
This Substack will remain its own sacred space for what we do here.
I also want to be respectful of your inbox. If you prefer to stay only on one or the other, you can unsubscribe from either at any time.
With that, be well, friends. And may we all navigate this first wave of holiday activity with presence and grace — and maybe a tad less self-referentiality.
Love. 💛
Miscellaneous…
⭕️ Our next Saturday Sangha is Saturday, December 13th, 2025 at 9:00 AM PT / Noon ET. While not about “sobriety” or “recovery,” we are all actively exploring a life without dimmers. These are beautiful hours! All are welcome. Link for an invitation here.
💥 Join Dick Schwartz, Soren and me for a short Zoom series: Staying Connected Amidst Differences. Acutely aware of how our politics and values can divide families, friends, and our communities, in an effort to learn how to better love our people because of our differences, not despite them, Soren and I are hosting a mini series this month+. We’re honored to be joined by Dick Schwartz this coming Tuesday November 25th, who will help guide us in showing up as our best selves this holiday season and beyond. Registration is free/by donation here.
⭐️ I’m looking forward to speaking at The Longevity Summit: The Future of Medicine + Eliminating Diseases of Aging, December 9-10 at the Buck Institute for Research on Aging in Novato, CA. You can take 15% off with code: SUMMITSPEAKER15. Tickets here.
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📚 SAVE THE DATES for the Undimmed book tour:
January 7th, The Book Passage, Corte Madera, with Dr. Sara Szal
January 8th, Diesel Bookstore, Santa Monica, with Trudy Goodman
January 13th, The Book Passage, SF Ferry Building, with interviewer to be announced (yay!)
January 15th, Ignite Conference, SF (details soon)
January 21st, P&T Knitwear Books, Lower East Side, NY, with Ara Katz
January 23rd, ALTAR, Chicago, more details soon!
January 24th & 25th, three private residences events in SoCal, email jill@happywomendinners for availability
Thank you, community, for your suggestions and introductions ✨🙏🏼✨
And for those of you who really make it all the way to the end of things, I leave you with this gem:
“Kindness and love are kinda radical these days.” - David Byrne, SF, 11/17/25