TGIF :: On Finding Our People
Weekly drop #24 || Evolving relations, cycle-breakers, and chasing our roots amidst life's transitions
The “Friend Break-Up”
Two years ago, my good friend “Jane,” who had grown distant—cancelling plans last minute, not initiating connection periodically as she had for a decade, being generally avoidant—told me in an email that our friendship no longer fulfilled her. She felt the season of our connection had concluded.
Standing in our kitchen, I read her message on my phone, stunned. Really? We’d been close since our kids were toddlers, shared vacations, and even overlapped professionally for a spell. When I requested more context, she explained that that she felt I’d become self-absorbed, that our relationship felt one-sided, and that she’d felt this way for a while. Ouch.
Her words shook my heart then, and they still do—I revisited our exchange this week. My feelings are a blend of defensiveness (Was it really one-sided? I think not…), embarrassment (Perhaps I had been self-absorbed?), anger (Who ends a deep friendship this way? Why not speak up sooner?), and hurt feelings. After a couple of exchanges, which included an apology on my end and an odd comment from her that we can now “take each other off of our to do lists,” that was that. We haven’t been in touch since.
During a Wisdom 2.0 community session Soren and I co-hosted on Friendship on Wednesday, a high level version of this experience with Jane arose in our discussion. In relating to another attendee who shared the pain of being ghosted by a friend, we explored three take-aways:
Feedback, though often unsettling, is typically an opportunity to learn. Even if I disagree with her (at least in part), her comments sparked deeper self-awareness and reflection about how I show up as a friend. The remarks that hurt the most often warrant our closest attention.
Sometimes, it’s not about us. Our perceptions of others and relationships are shaped by our personal lenses. In this scenario, our friendship ceased to resonate with Jane. Likely, it was a combination of my actions and changes in her own life.
Eventually, we can move on. Best to not dwell on things for too long. As outlined in detail in The Fifth Awareness: “When resolution or healing aren’t possible despite our efforts, we can release certain relationships . . .” I eventually accepted that our friendship as I’d known it was over and let it go, wishing her the best.
Was This About My Not Drinking?
Jane emphasized in her email that this all had nothing to do with my choice to live alcohol-free. While I undoubtedly changed since our early years of bonding over martinis in fancy bars, craft cocktails during backyard parties, and a couple of glasses of wine with dinner, I’ll never truly know if my stopping drinking influenced her choice. That said, I’ve since learned that relationship shifts are super common across various ClearLife journeys, especially early on.
A Theme: Solitude in Early ClearLife
I hosted the first Sangha Saturday via zoom last weekend. I big thank you to those who joined. ❤️
One of the topics we explored was feelings of loneliness and isolation common in the early months—even years—of ClearLife journeys. Alcohol was the dimmer of choice for the attendees that day. As we shared our experiences of living clear, we acknowledged the thrill of relief, freedom, and improved health—as well as various shadows to the experience too—including relationship changes, altered social dynamics, and the hunt for new ways to celebrate, bond, and unwind, especially around others.
Similarly, I’ve observed related themes in a 30k+ member-strong Facebook Group I am a part of: The Sober Mom Life. While I can’t keep up with the sheer volume of content (an average of 80 posts a day!), I’ve scanned enough to notice a recurring theme: It’s hard to navigate social interactions—from family and friends to coworkers—after opting out of alcohol.
A prominent group topic in recent months has been navigating vacations sober. Members’s experiences and perspectives vary widely. While some love newfound freedom and health, adhering to early bed and wake times amidst others on different schedules, others struggle with feeling like an outlier, and either end up drinking again—despite intentions not to—or endure considerable discomfort. A few even cut their vacations short.
Both in small and larger communities, it’s evident that after abandoning a shared habit, blending back with previous connections can be challenging. Consequently, many of us initially find ourselves more isolated, whether by choice or necessity. This ‘cocooning’ phase often ends with an unfolding of a new life, but the period of isolation and loneliness can be tiresome—a period of uncomfortable transformation that can extend for years. Yet, the benefits are so profound that many of us persevere, unwilling to return to old ways.
The truth is, when we peel away a dimmer and start to get clear, a more authentic version of ourselves begins to emerge. Life feels more aligned. We’re clearer about what we want. And we may discover that we actually don’t like doing a lot of things we needed a buzz of some kind to enjoy. This realization can be startling, as shifts in our leisure preferences influence both our identity and our relationships.
Practices to soften the edges of a transition
Be gentle with yourself. Need several nights at home alone with a candle, a bath, and a book? Enjoy. Want to cancel plans that feel stressful? Of course. Want to take a break from an activity that triggers old ways? Go for it. Whatever it is you need, honor that. Check out this list of amazing things we can do alone in a period of cocooning.
Make new connections by exploring niche interests. This can be difficult, and our experience varies widely depending on our schedules, where we live, our comfort level with meeting new people, and other circumstances. Yet, pursuing interests, especially niche interests, helps us find people with whom we share orientations. For inspiration, check out
, all about celebrating ordinary people with extraordinary taste.Go towards the love. Some people will want to connect while others will grow distant. We can choose to not chase relationships that don’t feel reciprocal and instead lean into those that feel more magnetic. We don’t want to only surround ourselves with “yes people” but do want to be around hmans who help us feel good, feel seen.
Find community. Whether it’s a Facebook group, local meetings, a hiking meetup, or Sangha Saturday, try to find a way to connect with others sharing a similar experience. It’s an incredible relief to know we are never really alone.
“You’ve Changed”
Nedra Tawwab does a great job of bluntly outlining a range of ways to understand and limit various forms of discord in her second book Drama Free; A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships. Though her work focuses on family relationships, I find her wisdom applicable to relationships more broadly. I shared the following at the end of our Sangha Saturday session last weekend:
“If you’re the cycle breaker in your family, others might find it hard to accept the changes because they knew you before you knew yourself. They may have a hard time letting go of who they think you are. You are becoming more of yourself, and that can be hard for people who want to see you only one way—the way that works for them.”
Overall, since starting my ClearLife journey, the evolution of my relationships has been overwhelmingly positive. While some bonds, like my friendship with Jane, have ended, many have blossomed, deepened, and expanded. In being more real, more open, my cup spilleth over with more than I could have imagined. But, it took time. I made a lot of mistakes. Growth is awkward and I’ve definitely stumbled along the way. I’ve tried to give myself a lot of room and grace to just take one day at a time and allow more, push less.
Speaking of Finding Our People…
I can’t sign off without sharing that today I’m posting from a friend’s apartment in the heart of Paris. On Sunday, I’ll travel to Scotland by train where I’ll spend a week on an ancestral pilgrimage of sorts.
The genesis of this solo adventure goes back to 2019 when a longstanding fascination with family history took a dive for the deep. I traced our family’s roots all the way back to the 14th century, to a woman named Jeanette (or Janet) Dundas, my 18th great-grandmother.
My exploration further led me to a Dutch archive which, over the next year (during the pandemic), guided me all the way back to the 3rd century(!). There, I found my most distant ancestor, Iago, who lived sometime between 230-290 A.D. The records are relatively clear despite their age, thanks to previously unknown generations of Scottish royalty in our family line.
Yet, this feels like a soul journey as much as a historical one. I’ll be in the middle of my travels for the Autumn Equinox, a time of rich significance for the preceding Celts: “a time of balance and pause, a transitional moment between the bright half of the year and the dark half of the year.” It’s fitting, given the numerous transitions underway… a book being birthed, a relationship evolving, kids growing up, improving health, and more. I’ll share some highlights from the road next week.
Until then, love yourself, love your people, and be well. ❤️
Miscellaneous…
I’m curious… to learn of your experiences on this theme of relationship evolutions and ClearLife. It feels so “high school,” yet when I’m seeing I’m far from alone. What did I miss in this reflection, overview? How can we navigate these changes with grace?
Let’s manifest… I am on a bit of an adventure with this notion of manifestation—not just visualizing where you want to be—but taking a moment to feel what it would feel like to land in the life outcome we desire. Next level quantum physics. Content out there is pretty cheesy. I’d love some tips if you’ve found resources you love on this topic.
Sangha Saturdays… are now scheduled for second Saturdays via zoom. Complete a form here to be added to the invite. Local San Francisco Bay Area folks can do the same as we have an in-person version happening on the 30th.
P.S. Thank you for reading!. This is my most heartfelt work, and your engagement and curiosity keeps it going. If you are inspired, please tap the little ♡, share this post, or tell a friend about ClearLife. 🙏🏼
Nutritious, my lady. Thank you. Enjoy your solo adventure...
Thank you so much for the shoutout, Cecily! Enjoy your trip and if anyone can drive on the left side of the road, it’s YOU