TGIF :: Is Living Undimmed Selfish?

#104 || Does caring for ourselves on the inside have to mean disappointing others on the outside?

I write here about living undimmed—present and self-aware to the ways we might habitually dull our lives with certain types of drinking, eating, snark, exercise, shopping, sex, work, drugs—even over-functioning.

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I listened to NYT The Daily podcast on Marriage and Sex in the Age of Ozempic this week. The episode profiled a marriage in which one spouse (the wife) had successfully slimmed down using a GLP-1 weight loss drug, a now wildly popular medication (1 in 8 Americans are on them now!).

In addition to losing weight, other things diminished too: her interest in drinking alcohol, her excitement around social dining, and her willingness to stay up late with friends. Even her sex drive fell off as soon as she started taking the medication (in fact most of the story centered on this last point).

Her husband was (understandably) left wondering: What happened to my wife? She looked different, cared about different things, and, in some ways, was less “fun.” No more late nights with friends. Long gone were the bottles of wine on the couch, the indulgent restaurant meals—and, eventually, sex.

Yet, she felt better—in all kinds of ways.

It sounded a lot like what some people describe to me when they share that one person in their primary relationship pauses a habit like drinking. It often feels great for the person making the change (better sleep, weight loss, clear mornings), but those around us might not like it (or us) as much.

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The episode highlighted two things deeply relevant to living undimmed:

1. Protecting our inner experience might mean disappointing others.

We eventually have to decide if we’re okay with that.

I’ve met countless people who’ve returned to old habits simply because they didn’t like the distance that opting out of behaviors (like drinking) created between them and others, especially their intimate partner. (That said, I’ve met more for which their healthy choices ended up being contagious, subtly encouraging those around them to eventually join them on the journey.)

It’s undeniable that something as simple as a weight loss drug, or choosing not to drink, can deepen—and usually improve—our inner experience. We might feel more confident, gain access to a fuller spectrum of feelings, or have an overall sense of empowerment that can be life changing. But our outer expression can change too: we might become less spontaneous, less likely to stay up late, binge eat/drink, overspend, or engage in reckless fun. No everyone is going to like it, at least in the nearterm.

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2. Overcoming one habit can awaken our sense of power — and change everything.

The podcast episode host noted that many people who succeed with weight loss drugs end up eventually transforming other parts of their lives. Once they realize they can overcome what once felt impossible, they start to wonder: What else might I change?

That spark from “I can’t” or “I could never” to “Oh hell yes, I can” has a tendency to ripple through other areas of our lives, emboldening us to try new hobbies, embark on new adventures, and experience a new overall sense of confidence.

This was exactly what happened when I stopped drinking. I’d tried for years, but once I found a way through (my earliest version of The Eight Awarenesses — making the choice, listening to myself, healing old pain, opening my heart, giving back), I felt a new flavor of free. I found myself thinking: If I can do that, what else can I do? The list was long.

That sense of freedom and inclination to go for new things fueled everything that followed: shifting from tech exec to investor/founder/author, engaging in a healthy relationship (harder, in some ways, than one that let me keep replaying old patterns), and transforming how I parent and love my kids.

Or not. We can improve but not implode.

Change does not always have to be disruptive. I’ve read a ton (and written extensively) about how getting clear—undimming—can help us finally hear inner guidance that sparks change to career, home, relationship, health, and more. Yet it can also help us heal where we are, shift our relationship with parts of our lives out of victimhood, or simply show up differently—more clear and authentic—that comes with its own benefits. Getting clear does not have to mean life earthquakes.

I hear this most often in relationships. One person pauses a dimming habit, usually alcohol or pot—and it disrupts the familiar rhythm between them. Sometimes the other partner follows, after months or even years. Sometimes they don’t. Some couples continue on different paths; others eventually align one way or another.

Often, though, the shift made by one brings light to both. Things get more real. Undiscussed topics are finally explored. Buried feelings surface. And while it can be uncomfortable, it’s often profoundly positive overall. One partner making a change does not have to mean risk to or the end of a relationship.

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Boundaries can be a drag.

Eight years after first “getting clear,” I’m far more fluent in crafting and enforcing boundaries.

The upside: How I spend my time and money are rarely passive decisions cloaked in duty or social expectation. I’m harmonized with how I live (most of the time).

The downside: People who’d grown used to certain kinds of support have had to adjust. There’s been some sulking, yes, but ultimately, these changes have been healthy. We’ve stripped away the transactional parts of our relationships. What remains is more authentic, rooted in love rather than obligation.

Sometimes the choice to live undimmed can look like self-protection from the outside, but it’s really an act of love—for ourselves, and for those who get to meet the real us on the other side.

As we grow clearer about how we spend our time, energy, and love, the shape of our lives changes—and often, so do our relationships. We may feel less “fun” in the old ways, but more true in the new ones.

What’s your experience?

I’d love to hear from you (comments or via reply to this email (it’s private)):

• Has experimentation with or living undimmed created tension or freedom in your relationships?

• Have you noticed yourself feeling “less fun” but more aligned (or had this experience with others)?

• What else has this post sparked for you?

From distance to depth.

Maybe living undimmed isn’t selfish after all. Like the woman on Ozempic, when we change something on the inside it can change what others see and feel too—and they’re not always going to like it. The rhythms shift. We eat differently, drink differently, move differently, love differently. It can feel like distance at first, even loss.

But what looks like disconnection can often be evolved into an invitation, a call to meet one another in a truer place, whether by compromise or a deeper change. When we free ourselves from what dims us, we create more space for honesty, intimacy, and deeper connection—and that is always a good thing.

And I genuinely believe that the light we reclaim inside eventually finds its way outward.

Love ❤️

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⭐️ Honored to be a speaker at The Longevity Summit: The Future of Medicine + Eliminating Diseases of Aging, December 9-10 at the Buck Institute for Research on Aging in Novato, CA. You can take 15% off with code: SUMMITSPEAKER15. Tickets here.

⭕️ Our next Saturday Sangha is November 8th, 2025 at 9:00 AM PT / Noon ET. While not about “sobriety” or “recovery,” we are all actively exploring a life without dimmers. These are beautiful hours! All are welcome. Link for an invitation here.

📚 A Book Tour for Undimmed is coming together with dates set for Marin (January 7th), LA (January 8th) and TBD dates for New York, Austin, London, and possibly Santa Barbara, Park City, Boulder, and Seattle. I will share specifics and updates here as they come! Thank you for your suggestions and introductions.

🎧 The U.S. Alcohol Policy Alliance has launched The Shift podcast… and I am happy to me in conversation with the CEO for two of the early episodes, the second detailing my breast cancer diagnosis and commitment to help raise awareness about the link between alcohol and cancer (to be released soon). You can follow the show on YouTube here.

🇯🇵 I’ll be traversing my way through Japan on a pilgrimage with Roshi Joan Halifax for the next couple of weeks. It’s a time to ground, recenter, and reconnect… I look forward to sharing a bit about that from here on 10/23. Until then, be well.

🙏🏼 Thank you for trusting me with your time. Previous posts are here.