TGIF :: Five(+) Stubborn Pounds

#94 || Tracking weight (argh), a sugar pause, and the quiet and durable power of the Second Awareness

I write here to explore what it means to live undimmed—present and self-aware to the ways we might habitually dim ourselves and our experience through drinking, eating, snark, exercise, shopping, sex, work, drugs—even over-functioning. Previous posts are here.

Thank you for the notes so many of you shared in response to the speech my son wrote for school: A Personal Look at Alcohol and Its Effects on Families. With two graduations around here in the next two weeks, it is a sentimental time of year. Lots of moments with a hand on my heart. This one rocked me, in the best of ways.

This week I depart from the usual and write on a topic that a surprising number of people approach me to talk about as they shift their relationship with alcohol: gaining and losing weight. It got personal for me in recent months as I put on a few stubborn pounds for reasons unrelated to drinking, yet I was able to use The Second Awareness to reset a bit. More on that below.

If you are in recovery for an eating disorder or otherwise triggered by hyperconsciousness around body image, you might want to skip this one.

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“The Scale Doesn’t Lie, Honey.”

I heard my mom’s comment on the other end of the line while I stood at the kitchen counter doing dishes after dinner. I’d just told her that our doctor—a physician we both see—had gently suggested I pay attention to my weight and maybe look for other ways to relax at the end of the day other than drinking.

How dare he.

It was around 2015, two years before the 30-day break that started this whole experience of living alcohol-free. At the time, I was a bit self-righteous about my “social” drinking. I’d recently had two kids. I was mostly past the years of obsessing over my weight and figured I was just living—healthfully. What’s actually wrong with a drink after work. Or two. Most days. Okay, all days. Seriously.

But I digress.

Thin, But Not Too Thin

I’ve had a complicated relationship with my weight for most of my adult life, starting when a neighborhood kid called me “Thunder Thighs” even though I was a wiry adolescent—anything but. That moment stands out in the stream of early memories as the one when self-consciousness about my body took hold—lodging itself in my awareness in a way that would prove to be hard to shake.

Jane Fonda, Kate Moss

Like so many women—especially those of us who came of age during the “be fit” culture of the ‘80s and the “you can’t be too skinny” messaging of the ‘90s it’s something I’ve probably spent too much time privately thinking about, yet almost never talking about. There’s an unspoken formula we’re expected to get just right: slim but not too slim, healthy but not obsessive, strong but still soft. Gloria, America Ferrera’s character in Barbie, nailed it in her powerful monologue that encapsulates the contradictory expectations placed on women:

“You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin.”

Bodyweight & Alcohol

Like most things, alcohol was tangled up in my battles with the scale, mostly because when I was drinking socially regularly, I struggled with my weight. For the decade between my first son’s birth and my first 30 days alcohol-free, I always seemed to hover around fifteen pounds heavier than I wanted to be. No matter what I tried to bring it back to my “wedding day weight,” it didn’t seem to work.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand weight—through personal experience, the literal highs and lows of a few years of modeling in my early twenties, starting a master’s in nutrition to better understand it all, and just being a self-aware woman in this world.

At the end of the day, it’s fairly simple: We gain weight when we consume more than we burn. We lose weight when we burn more than we consume.

There are countless ways to move those levers, yet in my experience, even a casual drinking habit can throw things off:

• Alcoholic drinks add “empty” calories to our repertoires. A nice-sized glass of wine or beer typically clocking in at 200 calories—each.

• Even one drink blurs decision-making. Two slices of greasy pizza at midnight in my 20s? Of course.

• It can interfere with healthy plans and overall motivation. I was far more likely to skip physical activity the next day if I’d had something to drink the night before.

• There are probably others I’m not thinking of too—please share if you’re inclined.

The Impact of Going AF, Short and Long Term

When I took my first real break from alcohol in 2017, I watched the weight fall away. I was eating more consciously, moving more, and generally consuming less sugar and fewer empty calories. I wasn’t trying to lose weight—it was just a side effect of all of the other related lifestyle changes, mostly consuming less and exercising more.

And, I’m lucky. It doesn’t take much for me to stay at a healthy weight. A reasonable amount of exercise, some attention to eating well, and no alcohol has kept me between within a healthy +/- five pound range for nearly eight years.

So when I gained a few (five? seven? more?) pounds since Christmas—and they didn’t respond to the usual adjustments to ramp up activity or reduce intake—it really pissed me off. What was it with this stubborn weight? Why do I care so much? Is this just the new me?

I asked our local butcher to put five pounds of ground beef on the scale to I could SEE what this looks like. 🫣

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Every Body is Different

I want to acknowledge that the experience of alcohol and weight is unique to each of us. Just this week, one friend shared that she’s frustrated she hasn’t lost any weight since quitting drinking six months ago. Another told me she easily lost ten pounds after stopping what she considered a modest habit. Many of you (bless you!) don’t notice or care. There’s no universal outcome and there are countless levers in play for each of us. Comparisons rarely help.

And let’s be real: As we get older, our metabolism changes. Weight tends to be more stubborn. Our energy changes. Muscle is harder to maintain. And many of us just feel… less up for the more rigorous exercise routines.

I mentioned my frustration to two different doctors at recent oncology checkups. Both reminded me that not just one, but both of the medications I take (one to reduce recurrence risk and the other to offset the side effects of #1) cause weight gain.

Their message: It kind of just is what it is.

Grr..

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The Second Awareness: I Choose What I Consume

I decided to take inventory. Inputs and outputs. What was I eating (and drinking)? How much was I moving? Had something changed? Had my own tolerances or metabolism shifted in some way? Could I interrupt this dynamic without obsessing over it?

The truth: I’d been increasingly casual with unhealthy food in recent months. Since the holidays, maybe. Dessert a few nights a week. Lattes instead of black coffee. Chips here and there with the kids. The occasional baked good from the café. Nothing extreme, but enough to add up.

Couldn’t I leverage The Second Awareness: I choose what I consume, and just act consistently on a decision to stop consuming sugar?

I thought of my friend Mel, who swears by the benefits of cutting sugar. I considered my late uncle Gary who considered sugar more toxic than tobacco or wine. I thought about the research on sugar and inflammation—especially relevant for people with cancer histories. And I decided to give it a try.

No more sugar. No big announcement. Just a pause. Like I’d done with alcohol.

Fruit and other natural sugars are fair game, but I stopped eating (and drinking) anything that contains processed sugar (including the “very small amount of organic and raw” sugar that the chai vendor at the Farmers’ Market assured me wasn’t a big deal).

What Happened

The first few days I had to remind myself to not have a bite of something here and there, but it wasn’t that hard. There is something incredibly liberating about black and white, yes and no decisions—we’re freed up from all of the “maybe” chatter and negotiating with ourselves. My younger son noticed, “I think it’s great, Mom. Isn’t it good for people who have had cancer anyway?” By day five, I’d stopped thinking about it. It’s been about a month now.

Yes, there have been moments of temptation such as the appeal of a slice of that perfect olive oil cake at a friend’s birthday gathering… Ice cream with my kid after school… my usual chocolate after dinner. But the whole experience has reminded me of those early days of choosing to pause alcohol. One decision is so much easier than an infinite stream of them when we are trying to shift a pattern or a habit.

The Might of Choice

Alcohol. Sugar. Food. Content. Energy. Stories. Habits. Truth is, we are always consuming—and we (almost) always have the power to choose what, how much, and when.

For me, pausing alcohol—and sticking with it as the benefits piled up enough to make it a long term decision—gave me the confidence that I could change other deeply rooted habits. I’m rarely truly stuck. If something feels off, I don’t need to spiral. I don’t need to shame myself. I just check in. And if needed, I choose again. And again.

So yes, I’m back to weighing myself. I’m committed to shedding those stubborn five(+) pounds. And so far, it’s working. It’s slow, but I’m back in my comfort zone. Clothes feel better. I feel better.

We don’t need to control everything. Yet, we can be in healthy relationship with what we consume—and trust our capacity to shift.

With you in the choosing,

Love.

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Miscellaneous…

A New Nighttime Skin Routine (for the ladies)… I’m not super invested in skin care. Soap (bar soap, in the shower) + sunscreen in the morning and then soap + cream at night. So when a friend with impeccable skin gifted me two of her tricks, I let them sit in the bathroom cabinet for months before giving them a shot. When I did, the results have been pretty awesome (less puffiness, happier skin). Here’s the routine:

• Remove make-up however you do that. I use Neutrogena wipes (not very eco, I know).

• Rub a few drops of you oil of choice into the face (and neck, chest, if inclined). I use a fancy oil another friend gifted me, but you can use just about any facial oil for this. Jajoba oil is an easy, inexpensive, high quality option.

• Gua sha with the guidance of an online video.

• Remove oil with a cloth or cotton swab and Thayers Rose Petal Facial Toner.

• Moisturize.

⭕️ One Hour of Community Connection via Zoom… The next Sangha Saturday is Saturday, June 14th, 2025 at 9:00 AM PT / Noon ET. We begin with a brief meditation, set a bit of context, and then open the space for shared exploration. While not about “sobriety” or “recovery,” we are all actively exploring a life without dimmers. Link for an invitation here.

USAPA… had a small victory this week when we got some news coverage on the absence of alcohol from the recent MAHA (Make America Healthy Again) Report. We are in dire need of funding to keep the momentum up in Washington D.C. Please consider making a donation to this sparsely resourced, extremely busy nonprofit, if inclined (here).

Be well!