TGIF :: Don't Assume I Meditate Regularly

#75 || It's complicated. And alive. And changing. ...and magic. Join me.

Thank you for trusting me with your time. 🙏🏼

ClearLife is an exploration of life without “dimmers” such as escapist drinking, eating, snark, exercise, shopping, sex, work, drugs—even generosity. Prior posts are available here, including a summary of The Eight Awarenesses.

At the end of this post, I share information on a meditation series Soren and I are co-hosting in December… with some of our most beloved teachers. Join us. ⚡️❤️⚡️

Not Weird.

There was a time, not that long ago, when if you mentioned your meditation practice, or participation in a meditation retreat in a business context, you’d get “the look.” Having a mindfulness practice was niche, woo-woo, or just plain weird. These days the opposite is true; not having a mindfulness practice of some kind can even be viewed as a red flag. Hey, good friends Ruchika Sikri, Diego Perez (

Yung Pueblo

) & Danielle Krettek Cobb are even building an entire relationships platform for people who prioritize self-awareness and personal growth. And research has thoroughly established that mindfulness is good for your health.

(In)consistency.

I recall early in my ClearLife journey, several years ago, struggling with a whole spectrum of unexpected dynamics, mostly relational. Friends and family members had all kinds of perspectives to share on my choice to not drink. Work settings previously fueled by a cocktail or two suddenly felt awkward and in some cases, inappropropriate. Some social and family gatherings were edgy without the balm of booze. I felt great, and clear about my decisions, but when these oddities flared up, I found myself looking around my life and wondering, “How did I get here?” “Am I doing something wrong?” “Am I okay?” Maybe even “Is this worth it?” It was troubling, at times frustrating, and deeply disorienting.

“Do you meditate?” my then-therapist asked me after hearing one of my rants.

“Inconsistently,” I replied.

“Mhmm…”

It was my truth. In many ways, it still is. I’ve been drawn to contemplative practices since following my gut and heart to India as a college student, the first of three extended trips there in a handful of years before launching my legal/business career in 2001. I’ve sat numerous retreats, studied with beautiful teachers, read a mountain of dharma books, joined and moved on from various sanghas, and even camped out in a Himalayan ashram for a couple of months, sitting for hours and hours …and hours daily.

Yet a consistent meditation practice—a daily one—has been elusive. I start. I stop. I start again. I stop. And I know well that a résumé doesn’t matter here. Our experiences and learnings can inform our inclinations and leanings, but it’s what we actually do—or don’t, that matters. And the great irony is that the goal is often to do less, and be more.

“In the end, just three things matter:
How well we have lived
How well we have loved
How well we have learned to let go”

― Jack Kornfield

Steadiness.

One exception to these decades of inconsistency was the entire year of 2023. Treating breast cancer, I was deeply called to connect with women teachers for the first time in my life (all to date, had somehow been men). As I deepened relationships with a few bright lights in my sky, especially Lama Tsultrim, Roshi Joan Halifax, and Trudy Goodman, I restructured my days into a simpler and more spacious schedule (healing, mostly), and established a steady morning meditation practice.

My altar grew cluttered with stones from friends and ceremonies, notes from distant family, mementos from spirit sisters, images from far away places, and ceramics pieces from my son. The deeper work, often visualization during that period, played a key role in my relatively easeful treatment tolerance, and overall ability to stay calm through it all (even during what could have been intensely troubling radiation treatments “Hold your breath to move your heart out of the radiation beam now, 5-4-3-2-1…”).

Yet, those months if steadiness and potency paused again in February of this year when I followed instructions and left my daily practice at the door to fully engage with The Hoffman Process. I completed the weeklong course, following the curriculum directives, including the post-Process 30-days of Hoffman Quadrinity practice. But since that ended, I’ve yet to return to my own daily routines with the consistency I had last year. I’ve been sitting some mornings (maybe half, a bit more?), but not all. In the 5-7am activity salad of wake up / snuggle / brush teeth / make coffee / love on the dog / write / awaken kids / prepare breakfasts / pack lunches / sometimes run / shower / basic chores / confirm day plans with the kids / read a bit of news / get dressed / out the door… if I don’t prioritize sitting in the first 30 minutes, it just doesn’t happen.

And, I can tell.

No Resistance.

Having returned to a hefty load of responsibilities after a wonderful, life-blessing of a trip with my son last Friday, I was “off” last weekend. On edge. Triggered by things too easily. Agitated with those I love the most. Worst-case-scenario-ing, which I only notice because I’ve been hearing myself think “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be” far more often than usual.

It didn’t take long to discern why. I’ve filled my weeks with a lot of activity, busy-ness, even. And, I miss my practice. Our capacity to stay steady is often linked with our inner steadiness, and for me, that well of groundedness and ease is only reachable when I prioritize stillness, silence, time in nature—amidst it all.

I offer insights on why this matters from Beloved Roshi Joan:

A student recently said to me: “Roshi, you seemed to have done so much in your life. How did you manage that?”

I paused, smiled, and then replied: “On a good day, I rest a lot.”

I didn’t mean that I take naps every day, though at my age, this is happening every so often. I am also not talking about the kind of rest that a good vacation provides you. Nor the kind of rest that is escapist. Rather, it is the kind of rest found in the experience of being relatively at ease in the midst of things, even quite difficult situations; ease that is about having a lack of resistance to what is before me, and being fully present and steady. This mix of no-resistance and steadiness is something we cultivate in Buddhist meditation. In my own meditation practice, I learned that giving full attention to an object (such as the breath) engenders steadiness and ease, as well as power and rest. When we strengthen these qualities, we can usually meet life with . . . “wholeheartedness.”

In Buddhism, being occupied and pre-occupied is not a source of merit; you cannot become enlightened by being busy. In fact, busyness distracts us away from what is happening in the present moment, which we need stillness to perceive.

A Reset.

I often write here about what has transpired. Today I share more in the present tense, with an invitation to join me.

I started a steady morning practice again this week. It’s somewhere between coffee and awakening the kids in that activity “salad” I referenced above. There is a candle at my altar, and a cushion on the floor. I’m using an app for the first time in my life because I love the voices and the prompts to explore new themes (details below). My sits aren’t long, ten, maybe fifteen minutes, but I experience a full wave of discipline, gratitude, and relief each time I find my seat. And my altar? I’ll be refreshing it in coming days. Less objects imbued with blessings around healing from last year, and more light, more life, more negative space. I miss negative space. The next iteration will feel lighter. I’ll share a photo in a week or so.

Today.

An Invitation.

There is no one right way to meditate. Culturally, in both the east and the west, we are informed by countless mindfulness teachers, mostly men, who prioritize sitting, structure, and discipline. These are all important, but in my view, they are not essential.

What matters is that if we are called, we find a way to give our “full attention to an object (such as the breath) engenders steadiness and ease, as well as power and rest,” as noted by Roshi. This can be being fully present while walking, taking a shower, being still and dedicating our full attention to our sensory experiences of sound, smells, sights, and other sensations. These moments can happen anywhere in our days—at work, in rest, in play.

As we do this, we invite a deepening inner awareness, and this awareness can spill over throughout our lives. This is why we call it a practice. Every moment matters. If it is just one minute in the train, a conscious breath before getting out of bed, a pause before eating a meal. It matters.

Simple self-awareness on some version of a ClearLife journey transforms us. We ask the questions. We hear—even feel the answers. We can tune our path accordingly.

How does this feel to me?

Am I well?

Is this aligned with my truest self?

Is this how I want to live?

What do I notice?

*******

I am going to go sit now, really, before I wake up the kids.

Love.

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A Film… Everyone I know who saw this film, Into The Heart of The Mountain, was deeply moved by it—and for different reasons... we’ve been inspired to retreat, travel, volunteer, learn, to serve. I left inspired to pursue spaciousness, and guard it, as life continues to be increasingly rich (and busy).

The Op e n App… As noted above, I’ve never enjoyed meditation apps (or even pre-recorded guided meditations of any kind). But my Hoffman buddy Helen recommend Op e n, and I love it. It’s from the people behind Strava, so there’s a bit of a tracking / accountability component, but I ignore that part and appreciate the voices and themes (the design is absolutely gorgeous too… which I love).

Come Practice with Us…! Soren and I are together offering a new donation-based month long meditation series In December. We’ll convene on Zoom twice a week with guest teachers Roshi Joan Halifax, Sharon Salzberg, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Rhonda Magee, and Trudy Goodman. Prior versions have been deeply touching—and fun. Hope to see you. ❤️