TGIF :: Conviction. Try it on.

#66 || The undercelebrated power of believing in ourselves (even if that means firing our spirit guide)

Aug 09, 2024

I was catching up with a CEO/Founder-friend I’ve been advising for years yesterday. He was asking me how to reclaim some leverage in a complicated business negotiation. “I want this guy to know I have other options if this one doesn’t work out,” he said. He wanted leverage.

“Do you have other options?” I asked.

“Yes, in fact, I do. There is another path forward if this one doesn’t work out. It might end up even being better for the company—and me.”

I pressed on:

“Does the person you’re negotiating against know that, or are you being deferential, accommodating, and very polite, as I know you to be?”

Silence. Wince. Chuckle.

We spent the rest of our call talking through his options. In the end, we agreed: None of the details really matter to the success (or failure) of the negotiation. What matters is his energy, and his energy comes from how he feels.

Does he feel agency?

Does he feel freedom to choose the right path?

Does he feel confident that all will work out no matter what, or does he feel cornered and self-protective?

Does he have conviction?

The Inside Job

After 20+ years negotiating all kinds of deals as an attorney, an employer, an employee, and an investor, I know that in the end, it is these feelings that the “opponent” will sense and respond to, defining leverage. The same applies in less contentious communications, interactions too. Start on this inside, and the outside usually works itself out.

As we closed the call, I encouraged him to first feel into his certainty, his confidence. Visualize the various potential scenarios playing out and see that he and the company are going to be fine—great even—on any of the likely paths. Once that is clear and settled, he can then embody what he knows. This will align his outer energetic expression with his inner guidance and result in the leverage he seeks.

Undimmed Relating

I see an elegant parallel between this notion of achieving then embodying conviction and one’s relationship with our dimmers. All too often I hear or read people questioning their ability to change a habit, overcome temptation, make a change they want to make. Sometimes we all need a reminder:

Whether and how we shift our relationship with a substance or a behavior
starts and ends with us. It is an inside job.

Do we awaken and start each day aware that what we consume is up to us? What we eat, drink or smoke? What we watch, read, or listen to? What thoughts we dwell on? Who we spend our discretionary time with? Or do we start out timid, lacking self-trust, fearful of what might happen to us?

It turns out that others around us feel our energy and will treat us accordingly.

For example, when we are offered a drink, a puff, or a slice of cake we’re tempted to accept but would rather not, how we feel inside has a significant impact on what’s next. Is it a steady “No, I’m good right now, I don’t need or want that today…” or is it an internal word salad of convoluted negotiations, with ourselves followed by some stumbling response?

We get to choose. And what we decide often determines what others feel, perceive. Whether we present with conviction or not often dictates what happens next. And, to be clear, that might be an acceptance, indulgence, a diversion from an intention or a goal, but let’s not fall into that as victims or failures. Let’s decide. With regard to alcohol, this reminds me of an exchange I had frequently in my early years of ClearLife:

“Will you ever drink again?”

“I might. I’ll drink again if I want to.”

For more on the power of choice, agency, and freedom, consider exploring The Second Awareness: The Power of Choice Lives Within Each of Us.

I Even Fired My Spirit Guide.

There was a moment in The Hoffman Process workshop I did last February when we were asked to visualize a personal spiritual guide of sorts. It could be anyone or anything, it just had to represent our higher spirit-selves when we needed or wanted to call on them.

My first and immediate vision was of a Disney character-type guy up on a white horse, square jaw, flowing hair, and all (a lot like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid?!). Throughout the rest of the day, following various instructions from the workshop guides, I was frustrated with this character, a hero, savior male (Wasn’t I done with that?!). I was perplexed that this is what I’d come up with and that he was now a “companion” of sorts for future exercises.

“What if we don’t like our spiritual guide?” I asked one of the facilitators the next morning.

“Replace them,” she responded. And that I did.

In my next visualization, I fired him. I thanked him for his services and let him know he could move on.

My next chosen spiritual guide was, and remains, an older version of myself. I see her in nature, on a dirt road slightly ahead of me on a grassy hillside. She has fairly good posture and long hair, but it is grey and I have a face of many wrinkles. This image reminds me that I have all I need inside myself. I no longer believe that some heroic male figure has the answers to how I live this life. I can go to my inner, wiser self for guidance, for support, for perspective. What I need is, well, inside of me.

The Practice: Try on Conviction.

The invitation is to explore whether there areas in life today where we are feeling insecure. Are we uncertain about a path? Or maybe we are being too nice, to accommodating, maybe even too willing to look the other way when others are breaching a boundary or integrity line of some kind.

Examine the truth around these perceptions. Are we perhaps better positioned than we’re inclined to believe? Do we have more agency and freedom than we think?

The invitation is to remember: We are in the driver’s seat. We almost always have options. We get to decide how we live, what we consume, and how we navigate what we’ve got.

In coming days, let’s all see if we can bring some of that quiet, grace-filled power into ourselves. When we enter a situation that could make us feel shaky, or overly accommodating, take a breath. Bring the centeredness and balance back to our heart space. Trust ourselves. Everyone else will adjust. I promise.

Be well. ❤️

💃🏻 Joy… Anyone else paying attention? Without commenting on my own political position (though it’s pretty easy to find after I signed this), I gotta say I appreciate the swing of political focus in the U.S. from fear to joy. #LFG.

🙏🏼 Earnings… I received a payout from Substack this week. It wasn’t a lot, but it wasn’t nothing either. It was enough to make me pause and remind myself that some of you have graciously subscribed to this newsletter. Thank you! Though I write no matter what, it feels amazing (and encourages me to keep going). 🙏🏼

✨ Sangha Saturdays… The next Sangha Saturday is tomorrow, August 10th at 9am PT. Please indicate your interest via the form link here and you’ll be added to the invitation(s).