TGIF :: Checking Motivation

#48 || One simple question to help us navigate the simple and the complicated

Mar 15, 2024

You are reading ClearLife, an exploration of what it means to live without “dimmers” such as escapist drinking, eating, snark, exercise, shopping, sex, work, drugs—even generosity—in pursuit of a more intentional, present, and embodied life. All prior posts are available here.

This week, we delve into how understanding the motives behind our choices and actions can steer us through life—and inform our engagement with dimmers.

The Question

Before we started recording podcast episodes, my producer Joanne and I had a series of meetings to frame out the details: style, guests, duration, name, description, and so on. At one point, she asked me about the underlying why: “What’s driving you to do this, Cecily?”

What is my motivation?

In this case, I had a clear answer: Doing this work for years now, I hear many moving and inspiring stories from friends—and many endeared strangers—about their triumph over dimmers, especially alcohol. Similar tales from a pair of acquaintances when I expressed curiosity around their shifts were pillars of support during the beginning of my own ClearLife explorations—they still are. We are creating the podcast to bring some of these stories to those who might hear themselves in others’ journeys, making this path a bit more relatable, accessible—maybe even fun (we go deep, but we play too).

Motivation or intention precedes any activity, even if we don’t realize or acknowledge it. According to traditional Buddhist teachings, the initial motivation really determines whether action is virtuous or non-virtuous.
Khenpo Gyaltsen, Samye Institute, Motivation or Intention, 2019

Not all questions around motivation have such neat and clean answers. Especially when we have pattens of unworthiness, strains of codependency, or struggle with some form of inauthenticity between our internal and external selves. Research tells me that these challenges are so common, they are almost typical for people exploring complicated relationships with dimmers.

A Reconsidered Gift

While Joanne’s question about the podcast resulted in an affirmative, feel-good moment, I’ve had just as many less rosy ones. This week, for example, I was considering giving someone close to me a modest amount of spending money for a particular trip they are taking. I am anticipating that they are going to encounter some financial stress while overseas, and I’ve felt inclined to relieve that a bit with a little unexpected cash.

I love being generous when I can, but this situation—the nature of the relationship, our history—made the decision a bit more complicated. Seeking advice on a separate but related topic a trusted advisor inquired: “Why? Why not just let them figure it out, use a credit card or ask family for support if they need to bridge a gap?” As we discussed more deeply, she helped me see that by swooping in with generosity, I might actually be robbing this person of the benefits of having to figure it out themselves, and there are a few reasons why that might be best in this particular situation.

This sparked a bit of internal review around motivation. What in me made me think to do this? Is it pure generosity and kindness, or is there some quasi-sinister heroic positioning in play? It was uncomfortable to sit with this and be very honest with myself, but when I asked the question I often ask others when they approach me with a decision to make: “What is your motivation?” I had to admit that I wanted some of that hero reward, some fix-it feel-goods, the positive feelings that come alongside certain good acts. Truth be told, doing certain things for other people, feeling needed, is one of my own dimmers. In this case, the additional consideration around whether it might actually be better for the potential recipient to figure it out by themselves stopped me in my tracks.

A Question as a Compass

Answering “What’s the motivation?” candidly reveals a compass of sorts, a tool with which we can more easily navigate the countless decisions we make daily. In addition to the humbling money item, in the last week alone I’ve used this inquiry to explore:

Whether I should travel to an event I am interested in later this month (it’s still a maybe).
Whether I should lean in and really help one of my teenaged sons get a job this summer or just let him figure it out himself (aiming for the latter).
Whether I should post certain content on social media (often no).

It’s fun in conversation too. When other people ask me for input on various things, I often answer their question with “What’s the motivation?” or “What is the underlying why?” or “What is the desired outcome?” We then have fun exploring the answers and the right path seems to easily reveal itself, seemingly more readily than may have been the case without these considerations.

ClearLife & Motivation — What About That Dimmer?

In addition to helping us make good decisions that help us align our external expressions with our known internal values, checking motivation is a tool we can use in pursuit of a less dimmed life. This is especially helpful when our “dimmer” of choice is something we can’t (or don’t want) to live without—such as spending, exercise, or eating—all healthy and important when not done in an escapist or addictive manner.

Working with The Second Awareness, I Choose What I Consume, comes with a good opportunity to explore our “why” in deciding whether we want to eat, drink, smoke, watch, read, or otherwise consume just about anything.

For example, if we are about to buy a jacket, do a hard workout, or eat a piece of cake, if we can pause for a moment before the decision/action, we can inquire around our why. Are we seeking short term relief from something? Trying to avoid feelings? Being impulsive in a regrettable way? That awareness can then serve as a factor in a decision-making process.

We reasonably believe we need the jacket, love our intense workouts for the health benefits, or feel great about delighting in a slice of birthday cake (can we all loosen up already?!). Either way, and this is important… it’s actually not such a terrible thing to “dim” with something relatively benign. Another deep dive post for another day, but until then, let’s remember self grace too.

Of course, it can be trickier with intoxicants. Alcohol and drugs are used by millions of people in a nourishing way (an occasional and savored glass of wine for those who don’t need to treat alcohol as poison or psychedelics to access deeper consciousness, for example). Yet, for those seeking to limit their use, asking the motivation question can be both eye opening and healing.

Share ClearLife with Cecily Mak

ClearLife Practices Around Motivation

No matter what the choice or decision concerns, the goal is to deepen our self-awareness and then hopefully make decisions that serve our best intentions. For those on some kind of a ClearLife journey, this means overcoming escapist use of dimmers. One possible approach:

Draft an affirmative statement about intention. For example, “I drink occasionally and consciously in a way that supports my overall wellbeing” or “I eat a healthy diet with enough flexibility to enjoy special moments and the occasional indulgence.” Write it down in your phone, on a piece of paper for your wallet, or capture it in some other way you have easy access to.
Take note of when you typically make decisions around this dimmer. Visualize yourself in that moment of choice, “Should I…?” Make a mental note to self-inquire around motivation the next time you are in such a moment of decision-making.
When in the moment later, recall the intention to assess motivation. Take a minute to consider what the driver is. If it feels like self-soothing or escapist, allow yourself the space to explore what it is you don’t want to feel, then try to feel into, simply experience that feeling. As noted last week, even intense emotions only last for 90 seconds. Then ask, is there another, healthier way to be kind to myself in this moment?
Explore Scenario Mapping. Sometimes we do better with a longer period of consideration. We can tune into how we feel and what we want in a moment, but we can also ask: How will the decision impact us, others, later today? Tomorrow? Will there be shame, regret, or some other avoidable outcome? Does this change my choice?
Finally, let this all settle. When we make a different choice, when we choose a new solution, when we disrupt a pattern, we are healing realtime. It should be easier next time, and the time after that. And all the while, we are deepening agency, freedom, and self-awareness.

Are We Ever Fully Undimmed?

Probably not. Frankly, would be want to be? We’re human and wired to pursue comfort, safety, and ease. It’s about being intentional and self-aware enough to make sure we don’t end up unconsciously living a life we wouldn’t have signed up for.

It was eye-opening for me to examine my motivations throughout this week and acknowledge that while I may be happily alcohol-free, I still use certain behaviors to soften the edges of life from time to time. Some of these dimmers are healthy—an intense run, cleaning and organizing our home, the rare nap to beautiful music. Yet, some aren’t, and I get to continue to look at those with as much honesty and self-grace as possible. Join me.

Love. ❤️