TGIF :: A Slice of Humble Pie

#98 || Revealing competency as a dimmer

Aug 01, 2025

I write about living undimmed—present and self-aware to the ways we may habitually dim ourselves and our experience through drinking, eating, snark, exercise, shopping, sex, work, drugs—even over-functioning. The learning is in exploring what we are trying to not feel, and the highs and lows of trying new things. I dive into that today, because I am neck-deep in my own life :)

Here we can together get curious, deepen self-awareness, and advance our capacity to listen to ourselves with the support of the Eight Awarenesses, now captured in my forthcoming book, available for presale here.

When output relieves us of input

During the final two weeks of my mother’s life (2011), I sat in the corner of her living room juggling a key legal and executive role for a complicated company event—an acquisition or a financing, I don’t remember now. What I do remember is the steadiness with which I showed up to work calls, answered urgent emails, and kept the wheels turning for days—while just a few feet away, my mother was navigating her final moments as esophageal cancer crept more deeply and ultimately claimed her life.

I shudder now, recalling how performing well at work became something to cling to as she slipped away. It steadied me—or perhaps simply numbed me—as my mom, and the weight of our complicated bond, faded into an unknowable future. I was anywhere but there, by design.

A shot of doing well for me, please

I’ve used competency as a dimmer for most of my life. When things are hard, leaning into tasks I can do well gives me a quick hit of relief, dulling discomfort. These days, it’s the ability to manage work, parenting, family, friendships—and keep track of countless moving parts for others—that offers that temporary fix. Busy-ness becomes a shape-shifting shield, conveniently helping me dodge all kinds of things.

This is old stuff.

I think it started when I was a kid. Accolades for good behavior, appearances, grades—and the occasional athletic triumph—were rewarded and worked like a reliable salve for secret hurts and impossible questions. That same dynamic carried into adulthood, across multiple career chapters. A pat on the head from a boss or a board member could buoy me above stress, insecurity, and even simmering health issues. I chased it, often at the expense of other parts of my life—like an addict might.

For those of us with this tendency, there is nothing like getting out of our comfort zones to reveal the might of this competency dimmer.

“These are the high-functioning adults who seem to operate in the stratosphere of success. In their self-sufficiency they avoid asking for help, but they feel a desperate disconnect from life. Their bottom can be panic attacks without warning or bouts of depression that are pushed away with work or a new relationship.”

― Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families

Detoxing

Sometimes we don’t notice it immediately. We are going a bit slower. We want more rest. We want to stay home more than usual, or spend more time solo in nature, or just sleep more.

The beauty is in noticing, honoring, and allowing these draws. Not reaching for our usual fixes, whatever they are. In doing so in recent weeks, I’ve finally recognized that there are two things going on:

(1) 😅 I’m doing a number of things for the first time and can’t lean into my competency dimmer as easily. The list is long: launching my eldest son to college next month, raising a significant venture fund, releasing a deeply personal and long-anticipated book—and a few others I won’t mention here.

I can’t lean into (or dim out with) that tried and true “I’ve got this” + busy-ness trick, so I am needing to find new ways to self-resource. So much is new. I am humbled daily—learning awkwardly (albeit enthusiastically) about all kinds of things. Even if I do feel like I have good direction and guidance, so many firsts and opportunities for failure (or denial) all at once means I am learning — and it can be exhausting.

(2) ❤️ I am feeling all of the feels on the kid launching thing, and it’s complicated. Thrill for him (and us). Grief that the at-home child-rearing years are coming to an end. Joy for him and his bright new horizons. Fear that I haven’t done all I could to prepare him. Relief that he’s well and on a fantastic path—that he chose and secured for himself. Anticipation for all that is to come. I’m letting it all wash over me.

A Waterslide

That’s the best metaphor I can come up with for how it all feels right now. I’ve been preparing for these events for years, and I’ve made the leap. It’s a thrilling ride — and a bit scary too. There is no slowing down or turning back. All of these things are happening. I have to simply trust that all is in flow, the way it is supposed to be, and have faith.

But, it’s hard.

Despite my self-awareness, I still long to lean into confidence, certainty, familiarity, and that tried and true competency. Yet, they’re not there. I am caught questioning myself. Learning something new every day. Being humbled constantly. Trying to let it all wash over me, as it goes, notice. Feel.

“It’s odd,” Soren said the other night as I was sharing this with him, “because to everyone on the outside, you seem so confident, like you know exactly what you are doing, and why.”

I’ve fooled you all… I thought to myself.

But, this is growth.

A layer deeper.

There is no pretty bow to tie on this all. I have made plenty of mistakes in recent weeks and months (my recent favorite: thinking I can cram years of parenting on smart money management into the 19 days I have until my son moves to college). I guess the gift of ClearLife and this effort to live undimmed (or at least aware of my dimmers) is that I am more aware of the delicacy and nuances of this experience than I might have been years ago, less present. That incessant fatigue? The weakened immune system? The deep desire to be home and nest a bit, eat well, drink lots of tea and water, read? I’m recognizing it as what I’ll refer to as “background processing” the complexity of feelings in play: thrill, fear, joy, grief, anticipation, resistance, eagerness, shyness, hubris, self-doubt — all of it. It’s all here. It’s okay. I’m okay. We’re all going to be okay.

“Sometimes when you are in a dark place, you think you've been buried,
but you've actually been planted.”

- Christine Caine

Self Grace

Part of living a life undimmed, clear, is that with all of that extra time and self-awareness, we are going to shake old patterns, often leaving familiarity and competency behind in favor of new undertakings. We are going to seed and grow new things in our lives. We are going to struggle and fail. It’s not always going to be pleasant, but it’s almost always worth it.

I’m reminding myself of one of the foundational tools in the Eight Awarenesses: self grace, often described as hand on heart. A wise friend reminded me this week that I’ve been an excellent mother, even if not a perfect one (who wants a perfect mom anyway, right?!). I’ve really done—am doing—my best.

The same applies to other things. Learning to be with the discomfort of not knowing and making mistakes as we grow is a gift. We can choose to let it in, not resist.

An Invitation

Is there something new you’re wanting to try—or are already trying?

Is fear keeping you tethered to the familiar terrain of competence, instead of letting you step into something unknown, meaningful, maybe even thrilling?

What if we let ourselves hang out in that unsteady space—be a little shaken, a little unsure? What if we welcomed a slice of humble pie now and then? It just might turn out to be deeply nourishing.

Love.

❤️

⭕️ The next Saturday Sangha is Saturday August 9th, 2025 at 9:00 AM PT / Noon ET. We begin with a brief meditation, set a bit of context, and then open the space for shared exploration. While not about “sobriety” or “recovery,” we are all actively exploring a life without dimmers. These are beautiful hours! Thank you to those who join. Link for an invitation here.

Nothing else today.

Be well.