TGIF :: 10 ways to support kids touched by addiction
Weekly drop #33 || A departure from nuanced ClearLife explorations: Answering a reader question about how to talk with kids about AUD
Dear Cecily,
I’m hoping you might be able to provide some perspective on a difficult situation in my family.
My sons’ mother and I have been divorced for five years. We live about 45 minutes away from each other and have an amicable co-parenting relationship. The kids live with me, but visit her every other weekend.
I have been sober, or “clear” (I prefer your language) for three years. My ex-wife drinks. I’ve learned from common friends and a couple of conversations with the kids that she’s drinking daily, occasionally in the morning, and now hiding alcohol in weird places around the house. Several people I trust are encouraging me to accept that she’s an alcoholic.
I’m working with my own coach and co-parenting counselor on logistics (ensuring the kids are safe with her, considering driving limitations, etc.), but I thought to ask you if you have thoughts on how to speak with the kids about this, if at all. They are twelve and fourteen years old. They’re aware of their mom’s drinking, of course, less about the patterns of alcoholism in the family. She’s a good mom who’s had some tough times. I’d like to help them without making her “the bad guy” or creating more issues.
Thanks for your input,
J.W.
Dear J.W.,
Thank you for your question.
First and foremost, I am not qualified to give professional advice on this high stakes topic. What I share here comes from consultation with addiction experts, adolescent wellness experts, my own research, and personal experience (hence it taking me almost a month to respond). I am glad you are getting guidance from other professionals. Please let this serve as a mere compliment to the other guidance you’re pursuing.
Second, I am sharing this response publicly (thank you for giving me permission) as I’ve learned throughout my research that the following applies to families impacted by addiction broadly: intact families, divorced families, extended families, and beyond. Kids are affected in unique ways that can have long term implications for their wellbeing, relationships, and habits for years. Let’s together hope that in sharing this openly, someone else out there might benefit.
Let’s jump in.
I am sorry you are going through this. Sadly, you are not alone. According to the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, 11 million children in the U.S. have at least one parent with Alcohol Use Disorder (updated terminology for “alcoholic”). That means that there are at least as many additional family members around the person with AUD struggling with their own version of complexity around how to navigate these challenges. It can be very complicated—loving the person who’s struggling yet trying to “do the right thing” — whatever that is, in light of the addictive behavior.
All of my conversations and research have a common thread: It is really important to talk with the kids.
One of the tragedies of families enduring addiction of some kind is that kids notice more than we think and don’t talk about it (either because they are afraid or don’t know how). They learn at a young age to shove feelings (fear, anger, sadness) down in ways that bubble up as other problems, often later in life.
Growing up with one or two parents dependent on alcohol can result in a range of issues in adulthood, including hyper-vigilance, need for control, difficulty with emotions, low self esteem, and depression (see more detail here). Helping kids understand some of the feelings they might be experiencing plus how to express themselves in healthy ways could save them from years of unhealthy relationships, self-neglect, insecure attachment styles, and various other mental (even physical) health issues.
Below is a compilation of ten things you can discuss with your kids over time. Some of these topics could take years to unpack. Of course context, timing, and other factors are important, and we don’t want to do it all at once. You’ll need to navigate in a way that suits your particular family and circumstances.
Define AUD. Explain what “alcohol use disorder” is (try to not use the outdated term “alcoholic”), what it looks like, and what the effects are. Here is a great resource from the Mayo Clinic for the facts and here is an article with guidance on how to talk with kids (especially younger kids) about this. It sounds like there may be a hereditary component here, so all the more reason to talk with them about alcohol use, abuse, and addiction often and early.
Help Them Understand Unpredictability. Unpredictability is the “primary injury” suffered by family members of people struggling with alcohol. Even if it looks like mom is fine most of the time, the kids need to know that moodiness, bouts of anger, and extreme inconsistency are not about them. A drinker is on an around the clock brain chemistry rollercoaster and no matter what the triggers are, big reactions or mood swings are not the kids’ fault. See this article for a fascinating deep dive on the long term impact of emotional chaos at home.
Instruct Them to Not Adapt. The kids need to know that these behaviors are not healthy or normal. Excessive drinking causes harm to the drinker and the people around them. The family around the drinker needs to not change the way they act, communicate, or behave to accommodate an adult who is drinking excessively; if we adapt, we are learning a pattern of codependency with lifelong implications. Kids understanding this at a young age will help them avoid patterns that are much harder to break later. Here is a great article on how to not “pass on” codependent tendencies to kids.
Coach Them: If You Don’t Like Something, Say Something. If a parent is drinking in a way that is embarrassing, uncomfortable, or unsafe, instead of pretending everything is ok (another stepping stone to codependency later) speak up. Things like “I don’t like it when you…” or “It makes me feel uncomfortable when…” or “I don’t like having my friends over to our house because….” are all reasonable things to say. This teaches kids to communicate clearly and set healthy limits early on. This article elaborates on this theme with some great tips on communication.
Remind Them Often: Safety First. Kids must know how to protect themselves from unsafe situations such as drunk driving. Make sure there are other adult friends or family members they can call, public transportation or a ride share service they can use—or another path to safety if a concern arises. This site has some helpful guidance on this topic.
Tell Them It’s Okay to Lie if They Don’t Feel Safe Speaking Up. Kids should know that generally speaking, we don’t lie, BUT, if they are afraid to say something in a potentially unsafe situation, they can make up an excuse such as “I’d like to get a ride with a friend” or “My tummy hurts I think I’ll stay home” or “I don’t want to go anymore.” Then, they can later tell the other parent or another trusted adult what happened and let the grown-ups handle what to do from there.
Explain and Model That You Are a Safe Place. The kids should know that they are free to ask you (or other supportive adults) for help anytime without repercussions. The kids in one family I know have a “SOS emoji” that means “Can you please come pick me up?” They then have their own understanding around not getting the other parent “in trouble” so that the child can freely ask for help again, if needed.
Offer Supportive Resources. Kids should know about support systems available to them outside of the family and friends. Alateen has been enormously helpful to kids in the <20 age range. Simply going to a meeting and realizing that others are having similar experiences can be life changing. Here is a great article on how to find the kind of support you might want or need.
Consider Counseling. If feasible, kids often benefit from having a counselor or therapist with whom they can speak about their circumstances and challenges. If not provided through the family, school counselors are a good place to start. At minimum, the right adults at the kids’ schools should be aware of the unique challenges the kids are facing at home. An adult or the kids themselves can initiate these conversations. Here is a great resource on recognizing and supporting such needs.
Model Compassion. Firm boundaries and clear communication do not need to be unkind. If someone is drinking a lot or is in some kind of addictive loop, they are likely in pain of some kind (physical, emotional, or other). We can all do our best to feel and then model compassion for the people who are self-medicating in any way. It is an incredible gift to give this awareness to kids at a young age. For a good article on this, you can read How Compassion Can Help You Support an Addicted Loved One.
You’ve raised a very sensitive topic, one that hits close to home. Thank you for the courage in reaching out and sharing. If others have ideas to share, please do so in the comments.
Love. ❤️
P.S. Thank you to the numerous people who spent time educating me about this in recent weeks, reading drafts, talking it through, and sending me resources I could link to in this response. You know who you are. 🙏🏼
Miscellaneous…
Lucky me… my incredibly talented and fun friend
‘Tis the Season… for fun holiday activities! I’ve been building a repertoire of local, crafty, and fun things to do for years. My kids are still (barely) young enough to be dragged along, so things we have on the calendar include the SF Ferry Building Holiday Open House, the Make Good Market at Heath SF, The Muir Beach Holiday Arts Fair, and not one, but two Christmas Concerts at Grace Cathedral. For a seemingly complete listing of all arts fairs and festivals in the United States, check out Fairs and Festivals. 🌟
Paying It Forward… Speaking of holidays, this is a wonderful time of year to find ways to give to others (including the gift of our time). Many schools have an anonymous gift drive for families in need (including our public high schools here in Marin County). All cities have some type of hot food program. Fire stations host food and warm clothes drives. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give is our time. Volunteer Match can help find opportunities that could be a fit for you. 💌
Sangha Saturdays…. If you’d like to join us via Zoom or in person, please indicate your interest here and you’ll be added to the (anonymous) calendar invitations. These have been such special hours… Our next in-person session is December 2nd (Mill Valley, CA) and our next Zoom session December 9th, both at 9a PT. 🙏🏼
What a great post with such helpful links! Thank you Cecily ❤️
This is so powerful and important. Thank you for taking the time to put forward a thoughtful response.