There are far, far better things ahead than anything we leave behind.
— C.S. Lewis
The Shadow of Self-Awareness
Personal transformation can get heavy sometimes. Thoughtful reflection on our past, efforts to live with more health and presence, careful intention setting for our future. There’s only so much any of us can take before we feel self-absorbed and weighted down, rather than lifted, by so much introspection.
As I open up more here, others are sharing more with me, both in person and online. I’m seeing that even behind sunny exteriors (especially sunny exteriors), life is complicated. Difficulties with children. Aging parents. Career shifts. Family issues. Health scares. Looming decisions. Financial pressures. It’s a lot. And when we’re not dimming it all out, when we’re fully present and feeling the feels, it can be overwhelming.
My Own Brooding
“I’m still on a healing journey, trying to understand the why behind my breast cancer, make sure I am healing patterns that may have contributed to this disease in the first place,” I recently shared with a friend over dinner. I heard my my own words, noticed how dark it all felt, how deeply self-reflective I sounded, how weighty it all was. A big career transition, strict diet shifts, my recent cancer chapter—there are all in the rear view mirror. Yet here I was (am), still feeling and sounding so… intense about it all.
It struck me again a few days later after seeing my Dad. He knows me well and is a great mirror. “Brooding” is probably the word I’d use to describe my energy, more down than usual. It popped up again that same day, hearing myself process a relationship challenge out loud. Tears too.
We can all get into a funk, I’ve been in one. It might be a new medication side effect (I’m starting to believe this is it…), the residue of a heavy beginning of the year, or our seemingly never-ending winter here in Northern California. Whatever the cause, getting a bit dark for a spell is fine, even healthy, but to a point. The pendulum has to swing the other way too, and sometimes we need to give it a nudge.
ClearLife Means Range
One of the greatest gifts (and challenges) of living a dimmer-free life is fully experiencing both ends of the emotional spectrum: real grief, shame, pain and true gratitude, awe, and joy. When we’re dimming with our distraction or self-medication of choice, we stay in the “safe” middle, deprived of the extremes.
“You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.”
― Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections and Courage
Experiencing the two ends of the spectrum after a period of staying buffered in the middle is like discovering an entirely new reality. Deeply feeling on both ends felt like a new superpower in my first year of ClearLife. Tuning into discomfort can reveal a treasure chest of true, intuitive, bespoke guidance. Swinging into deep gratitude or joy is its own euphoric high. Our biology affirms this: humans only weep for grief or joy (one more reason to be particularly concerned about our loved ones who never cry).
The Connection with Connection
Research confirms that joy “is fundamentally about “connection” — the primary purpose of joy is to reinforce our important relationships with others.” So if we’re in a funk, we often notice we’re self isolating too. Absent a serious condition that requires professional help, this awareness is often enough to spark a shift out of an emotionally down trend line. Like so much, noticing is the first step. From there we can plant seeds for more quality time with others, say yes to the invitation (or craft one ourselves), visit the friend, sign up for the class, volunteer our skills or time, find a way to spend time with animals, or whatever it is that works for you.
Hacking Joy: Little Things Right Now
So coming out of a tough week (or two), I’m considering all of this, using my tools: A run or walk in nature. A bright shirt. Adjusting my diet (no sugar and lots of bright, living foods). Tweaking other things I “consume” like media (less deep podcasts, more music) and time shared with people I love. Leaning into connections with those that feel uplifting, less draining. Being generous. And sprinkle pancakes… I made those for the kids this morning :)
“Discovering more joy does not, I’m sorry to say, save us from the inevitability of hardships and heartbreaks. In fact, we may cry more easily, but we will laugh more easily, too. Perhaps we are just more alive. Yet as we discover more joy, we can face suffering in a way that ennobles rather than embitters. We have hardship without becoming hard. We have heartbreak without being broken.”
— Archbishop Desmond Tutu, The Book of Joy
Longer term, I’m prioritizing finding time to play with others, connect with levity without conventional social lubricants (this is varsity-level ClearLife stuff, but it gets easier with time). For example, as our family maps out our summer, in addition to tracking logistics and weighing practical options, I’m asking: Which path will bring me, others, more joy? In my case, that means sometimes not doing the responsible thing or pursuing the respectable individual effort but instead opting for he path that means more togetherness, connection, and easeful time with loved ones.
The Ripple Effect
I came late, hungry, and a bit grouchy on Monday evening. As I started doing chores to wind the house down for the night, my sons (12 and 15) started goofing off, really goofing off. They were wrestling, giggling, running from room room, making fun of each others’ squeals, and eventually sharing South Park clips until they were both crying in deep laughter. Before long, I was fully immersed in their goofiness, levity, and mood, officially pulled out of my own slump. Their joy was more contagious than my funk, an energy that carried us through the night and into the texture and tone of the next morning.
Emotional contagion is real. So if this all feels foreign to you (thank you for reading to the end) and you are inhabiting the brighter end of the spectrum these days, spread it around. Reach a friend or family member you’ve noticed has been quiet. Extend a genuine compliment to a stranger. Write a letter. Make some sprinkle pancakes for someone you love. :)
I’d love to end with something more upbeat, but part of ClearLife is being real so this is what I’ve got today. I’m letting the endless love and support in and riding the wave knowing this too will pass (and no need to worry :)
As my mom often said, “the ball always bounces.”
Onward. 🌱
Miscellaneous…
Looking forward to: Mothers’ Day Sunday. Though I miss my own mom in particular on this day, it’s still my favorite day of the year. No big plans, just a hike and breakfast together. 🦋
Grateful: for new and deepening connections with so many women in my life, including several of you who’ve let me know you appreciate this work and encourage me to keep going :) 💃🏻
Experimenting: with 90%, 90% of the time in following various health and wellbeing goals. That means the occasional indulgences with intention and deep appreciation on special occasions. ✨